Life is beautifully different when you see it from someone else’s viewpoint.

I keep finding these people. These beautiful people who are passionate about this and that. Beautiful people who just want to tell someone what they think, what they feel, and why they are what they are. I love it when people muster up the courage to say what they really think. She told me things she hasn’t even told to her friend, she whispered to me as she pointed to one sitting next to her. I liked it. But why was she afraid of hiding?

And so this judgment comes back to haunt us in the worst way possible.

When did we get to the point that we are perfectly ok with telling strangers deeper things than we tell our friends solely because we fear what our friends will think of us? We question whether they would still accept us, whether they would still love us- just as we are, bruised and broken, with a wavering certainty that leaves us wondering more times than it leaves us convinced and sure. Aren’t friends the ones who help you through things like this? When did we get this way?

A friend once asked me who I spoke of when I said “ Ma io voglio che tu lo sai, che mi chiedi tutto quello che vuoi sapere.” My answer was not a complete lie. Yah sure I had a certain person in mind at the time, but I think it is applicable most to my friendships. I want to be able to tell my friends everything. But just like her I hide things from my friends because I fear a little. I am afraid of changing things irreparably. I am afraid I will lose them. Losing friends is like losing part of your heart; it hurts. And I don’t deal with hurt well.

This is such a hard thing to balance.

I want to find a good friend, make a mutual promise with them to be absolutely honest about everything, the things hidden deepest inside our hearts, the things we think we can tell no one about, and even the things we don’t want to be honest about. That kind of vulnerability is what I want. I am willing to put myself into a position to get effed over, if just to have one true friend that I can trust completely. I’ve always struggled with trust. I fear it may be difficult to find someone who will actually commit to do that, someone willing to love me no matter what. People don’t like being vulnerable. I know this cause I don’t either. But if we can just make this about love and not about us, it will work. I know it will.