Morning Thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night., because my mind kept racing around. My thoughts went to our conversation. I still feel a little confused, but at least I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you for that.

At the same time, I spoke just enough. Not too little, not too much. I still have things only I know. At least I can still feel like there is more of me to give. Oddly enough, I feel whole in the idea of only me being able to know myself completely. Maybe my viewpoint of this is different than others', but that is just how I see it.

I couldn't eat this morning, my stomach felt in knots. There are some decisions that I still haven't decided on. Maybe the answer will come in time, all by itself, that way I won't have to try to rationalize the feelings in my heart. It aches from this indecisiveness.

It is really hard to say that I don't know, that I want to know, but I can't. At least not right now. I guess I just haven't found myself yet. Why is it that the most meaningful decisions are the hardest?

And still I learn...

I am convinced to the smallest part of my soul that there must be something greater than me. How insignificantly small I am? How minute this life in comparison with the world, the millions of others just like me and the millions that lead a drastically different life. I sit still and remember past things. I glance across the coffee shop to see a woman wearing a t-shirt displaying the words "Never Forget" underneath a cutely drawn elephant with flowers in its trunk. So often we forget the diversity of the world, we live in our own bubble, too comfortable to stretch ourselves from its confines. It is definitely a flaw that I possess at times. But I am looking forward to breaking these bonds of limited thinking. Looking to see beauty in diversity. Looking to discover that love is enough to hold us together.

Oh goodness, this will kill me.

Today was like any other day. I woke up in the same bed, the same room, the same apartment. That familiar domicile that I have temporarily given the title home. I glanced out of the kitchen, and I saw the same view, the same trees, the same sky.
This familiarity is comfortable. This familiarity is mundane.

I walked along the same streets I always do. I saw the well-known faces, and made the occasional wave just to let them know that they alone stood out to me among the ever-moving throng of people.
This familiarity is repetitive. This familiarity is tiring.

I follow the same weekly schedule. Class times are predetermined. The remaining hours of the day belong to the ever-constant flow of incoming papers and tests. I look forward to the weekends when things have a greater possibility of breaking from the norm, yet oftentimes they don't.
This familiarity is predictable. This familiarity will kill me.

Do you remember the day you stood over that young boy’s grave and said to yourself, “I won’t waste it. I won’t take it for granted, like I used to. I won’t live it like everyone else- following the routine. I won’t. I won’t,” you said with determination. As the tears rolled down your cheeks, you turned your back to that plot of freshly dug earth, and you made promises to yourself. And although everything has changed, the time has finally come. It’s time to keep your word.