And now I see it for what it really is.

I thought I knew what it was that I missed. I thought I missed you, but it was not what I thought it was. I was a little bit blinded by my desire to remain living uninhibited; that I began to seek something I don’t really want. It was guised as something else, something more. But it isn’t. It is love. Nothing more. Love, plain & simple. Love that just wants to love. I look on the idea now with a different sentiment. My heart has turned itself in another direction, not away from you, but alongside you. Seeking to walk with you, to encourage you when you need it, to make you smile when you feel down, to be there when no one else will. I think I just want to love you - who you are, who you will one day become (it will be something great you know). I see so much in you. I hope you see it too. I hope you see how beautiful you are, how gentle your heart is, how brilliantly bright your soul is. I hope you know that no matter what I will always be here, your friend, to support you, to listen to you, to care for you, to love you. Always, always, to love you. To love you as you should be loved- wholeheartedly. You deserve nothing less. In fact, you deserve more. So much more. You deserve the best.

Contentment washes over me, and I am pleased.

No matter what will happen I will live in this moment- this moment of feeling constant joy pile up upon itself. I am always fighting back these feelings of joy and happiness, if I let them take over I will be a useless pile of smiles and laughter. No one would be able to reach me. I would stare into space and be content with the shade of brown that occupies the surface of the walls in the room. I would smile until my cheeks hurt so much so that I would be unable to continue. So I shall keep them walled-off, just a little bit, a reservoir of contentment and joy, kept inside, but still they are there, always there, at my beck and call.
They make every situation seem “not as bad as it could have been.”
They make every disappointment “alright.”
They make every failure “next time you will do better.”
They make everything “OK.”

It will always be this way. It is this way because I rest in the knowledge that I am loved. And love is stronger than anything that I could face- abandonment, failure, inadequacies, tragedy, & disbelief. Love consumes the bad in every situation, every thing & every one. It cannot be defeated, and personally I don’t want to try to fight it. So come Love, heal our hearts, make us more than we currently are. Make us you personified.

I don’t know which road to take, so I won’t take either. I will sit here on the side of the road and wait...

...wait for something beautiful.

I don't believe in these vague possibilites, but I am not going to try to change you or myself. I am going to love you just as you are, and nothing will change that. Nothing can change that. The force of the impossibility of the thing is greater than anything else that could posses my heart. This love does not waiver. It is not dependent on you. It is not dependent on me. It alone survives through the storms that beat us down. Through the times full of hate, pain, regret, distraction, empty words & broken promises. It alone holds us up when we grow weak. When we find ourselves directionally challenged. It alone turns us into something great. Something we never thought we would become- an essential part of someone’s heart, someone's soul.

I miss you when you aren’t here. When you aren’t next to me. When you are far enough that your voice cannot successfully travel the distance to reach my ears. When I can’t feel your hand in mine. When I can’t put my ear to your chest to feel your heart beating, slow and rhythmic. When I can’t see your smile- it brightens my life. When I can’t hear your laughter- it lightens my mood, makes my heart glad.

I dream of you sometimes. I remember once I sat across from you at a coffee shop. We spoke of life. You told me your secrets and I told you mine. We laughed till it hurt. Your foot touched mine under the table. I didn’t mind. And as we stood from the table you reached for my hand, but before my fingers could entwine themselves with yours I was roused by the incessant beeping of my alarm clock. I shut it off and went back to sleep. Lucky for me, my dream waited. And as your hand held mine, as we walked slowly, as we shared our hearts, I missed my 9:30am class. I didn’t mind.

And still you have no face. And still my heart seeks you. And still I go on.

Taking back nothing, because I never was willing to give it.

And what is it now… rubble, a pile of crushed things, these feelings. These thoughts are far too random to comprehend even for me. I am unsure exactly which road I am to follow. Choosing the left one forever changes everything, choosing the right one leaves me to wonder, leaves my heart to ache. And I don’t know what to do. So I listen to Tisbury Lane and pray for a miracle. I think I will lock myself away, or personally discover the damage liquid courage brings. What would be said? What would be thought? Who would stay with me after this? Supposedly those who say they love me. But people do crazy things, and I know it. And this is making me unwilling to go after that one thing that haunts my mind constantly. Everywhere I go I think to myself… wouldn’t it be better if you were here? You constantly occupy my thoughts, STOP! Wouldn’t it be the best thing ever if I could be vulnerably honest, if just this once. I have sat on this bench too long. Now, I am willing to lose the game, burning to the ground in a pile of failure, if just to feel. Just once, damn it!

I win. I lose. I lose again. I lose still, but I go on.

I have grown tired. Maybe I am looking for something I can’t find. Maybe I am looking for someone who will be to me what I try to be to others. I am exhausted with holding myself up. I want someone else to help me, if only occasionally. I have those people I can turn to, dear friendships that have been formed over time. They encourage me, but their number is few, and they are far from me. I have friends from years past that I now feel I may need to cut ties with, if only for the sake of my sanity. I love them. I do, but they don’t care for anyone. There is no respect, there is only this selfishness and it is tearing me down. I wish people would grow up. I wish people would actually love other people, and not just whom they choose and when they choose to do so. I need consistency. I need relief. I am tired. I am a little distraught. I feel I am the one who might lose in all this. I don’t like it, but I can’t be what I am not. I don’t know what to do, but lose.

I want to tell her what I think of this whole situation, but I fear she will not listen. I fear things that are guised as feelings blind her. Doesn’t she know she deserves more than what he is giving her? Doesn’t she know she is valuable? Doesn’t she realize her worth? I am tired of people not realizing their worth. Instead they settle. Why?
I don’t understand this.
I can’t understand this.
I won’t accept this for myself.

Hold on this will hurt more than anything has before, but it was what it was, what it is. I have grown tired, but somewhere I will find the strength to continue to love, to continue to be the bigger person, to continue to find hope in even the worst situations, to believe people can become more. So take it all away. I don’t feel it anymore.
My heart has these scars, but there is still beauty in past pain.
My mind has these doubts, but there is still hope in uncertainty. My soul has these unfilled longings, but there is still value in loss.

It is strange how a song can say everything your heart is feeling.

Love Affair- Copeland

Fell past a cheekbone hill
To a piece of the floor
The hope of the world
in an awkward spill
Oh she'd lie on her bed
and stare into harsh white light
and think that her heart's not right
'Cause love took her hand like a thief
took her heart like a robber
and the feelings that scare her
become her relief
Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want.
Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want.
In a flash a heart is slain
you have to ask in all this pain
Was your heart too soft?
Was your love in vain?
Was your kiss too weak?
Were your eyes too tired?
And much too young to be in love
Much too young to be in love
Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want.
There are no rules for this love
Just keep your head and don't give up
Like all the fools who play it smart.
Lose your head just for your heart, just for your heart.

So what if I WANT to "mess up" really big this time?

I wish someone would tell me what to do. I wish I would tell someone so they could tell me what to do. I know what some people would say. "You are crazy. What are you thinking? You cannot do this. You should not do this!" That is just the thing. For once I'm not thinking, I have decided to feel instead. I wish these beautiful things, these feelings, weren't so shrouded in confusion, in this feeling of bleh.
I am so close to saying the words I have practiced to myself multiple times- in front of the mirror, in my bed before I drift off to sleep. After each time the words leave my mouth, I find I sound stupid and give up all over again. A week later the cycle restarts. Vicious thing.
I have never felt this horribly torn about anything in my life. I don't know if it is possible to feel more torn. I wouldn't exist anymore; I am sure of it. I'm scarily near losing everything I am already. OH MY, I wish my mind would stop thinking! I wish my heart would stop feeling! I wish people who say they would love me no matter what would actually do it. But I'm not willing to test this. I'm not willing to lose. I'm just not.


Man, I'm lame...

Sigh

The frustration building up is becoming overwhelming. I am nearly ready to give up. I wish someone would just hold my hand and tell me it will be ok. That this is just a temporary thing. This fling. This breaking. This taking of my soul little by little. I have hit a cul-de-sac, and I find I continue to travel about in the circle hoping that more than just one end will be open. I don't want to go back the way I came. It hurts to revisit this thing.

The future four days seem daunting. I always feel a little inadequate, unready to face these little difficulties. The butterflies build, and I find myself wanting to sleep. Sleep brings peace. But I can't now, not yet. Soon, maybe. But not now.

I breathe deep and Sigh. It's heavier than usual this time,
But all I can do now is Sigh.

I discovered it long ago, but it took me years to fully heal.

Someone once asked me how I could be so positively happy all the time. So I sat them down and told them the story that I don’t tell very many people. And as they listened in silence, I saw in their eyes the formation of two gentle pools, which quickly turned into streams running down freckled cheeks.

It wasn’t my words or how I explained my past; it was the association that brought them to that moment. And who knew they faced the same thing? Who knew they had asked the same question? Who knew they were awaiting the answer that I had discovered years ago? I sure as hell didn’t.

So I sat in silence as they began to tell me the story that they don’t tell many people, and as I listened two gentle pools began to form and the streams began their gravity-pulled path downward. And as I discovered that all sensible words of advice had left me, I decided to let them talk it all the way out. And when they had finished, my words still hid themselves, so I said nothing. Looking back on it, I didn’t have to. Everything that was needed had already been said. And in the course of one day healing came, to both my heart and theirs. I won’t forget that day our paths crossed, and these paths will remain entwined even though they have now lead to different ends.

Vulnerable honesty is refreshing, scary, the best feeling in the world.

Love, Love, Love… and it consumes me yet again.

I’ve got it good, and I know it. My life is so unbelievably filled with love. So much so that I get giddy if I start to think about it. In fact, I have to make myself stop or my heart begins to ache because its walls become stressed under the pressure of this uncontainable, forceful thing.

I love the time spent in the morning with a vanilla almond biscotto and a doppio espresso macchiato. Such simple things delight my heart, facilitate deeper thoughts. So many things I wish I could say, not necessarily to act on them (would you love me less if I did?), but to talk them out. I do better when I talk things out. These doubts, these fears, these confusing thoughts. I don’t know whom I can turn to for this one, the knowledge of this thing’s existence will change things. No action required. The words alone will betray me this time. Dovrei lasciare perderlo, ma mi sembra che sia troppo difficile questa volta.

I long for a day just like that day on the beach- a day of complete honesty and acceptance, a day of laughter and lightness of heart, a day of unrestricted love. I want everyday to be this valuable to my heart. I will love, love, love you until the world collapses in on itself, and nothing will change this. Nothing you do, or don’t do. Nothing you say or don’t say. It won’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing but this love. Let’s be vulnerable and risk losing this security blanket of fake facades. Let’s get unconditional. Isn’t that what real love is all about anyways? Mio fratello, sai che hai un grand pezzo del mio cuore per sempre?

Love, people, conversation, honesty & pensive moments = pure joy.

Il mio nonno….

And so I sat to write a brief phrase that could contain the feelings that fill my heart. The page remained blank while I pondered this simple, unchanging thing. I looked back on my life to recall the moments effected, developed and infused with joy.

I recall being young. My feet would travel fast, seemingly unable to remain attached to my body. I would become breathless, but I knew every time my little hands reached out, you were there.

I recall you sitting me down and talking with me. I used to love to hear you speak of yourself, your life, your heart; in fact, I still do. Your words would form a cavern, vast and open, always ending with an eager question, awaiting a reply, seeking something inside of me. And as you drew it out, you asked it to form shape- a shape that only my thoughts could form.

You asked it to form me.

I must say, I am who I am, in part, because of you. You may not have thought you influenced me this much, oh! but you did, oh! but you do. I think of you often. I wish I knew you better. I wish I saw you more. I wish you would tell me those things that would be the hardest to say. The life lessons learned only through pain and struggle. Don’t you know I could use that? No one ever wants to admit the hurt, the failure, but this could bring nothing but good. I am sure of it.

I have come to realize we are more similar than I thought we were. I like that. I smiled as I sat next to you, as you told me a "secret." I was one of the only ones you could joke with, because you knew I would return the humor. And still you formed a little bit more of me. You asked me a question I never thought you would ask, a question my father has yet to ask me. I could do nothing but laugh, but I liked that you were bold enough to ask.
So as I sat in an attempt to fit these sentiments into one brief phrase, I decided “I love you” is far too cliché for this. And so the words simply formed themselves, and though basic and unadorned, they expressed my sentiments exactly: “You, as always, dear sir, delight my heart immensely.”