growing up slowly

Said puppy has been adopted. Although currently not named, she comes home tuesday. I am ecstatic. I am nervous. So this is what responsibility feels like?

Blank pages that need writing...

Sunny days that render smiles brings about this youthful feeling. It almost makes you think, maybe you aren’t growing old after all. Maybe you are growing young.

Timeless laughs with friends that live far away, but that live close to your heart, makes the physical distance seem insignificant. Oh, wait... it is.

What if they sold true happiness in a bottle? Would they name it Red Bull? Would they sell it for double the price in a convenient store than in the supermarket? I think they would. In fact, they do.

Do you think wearing headphones for 8.6 hours straight is detrimental to your hearing health? Even if you keep the volume down?...well, “down” most of the time anyway.

Have you ever tried to keep your eyes open for over one minute? Your eyes don’t like it all that much, they cry. Maybe you shouldn’t try it, never mind.

Playing air guitar just isn’t as good as playing the real thing. Guitar hero is close, but still not as good. Besides those little plastic buttons do nothing to help you build the necessary calluses to play for hours without stopping. Plastic is made to be recycled, period.

I’m procrastinating, and I like it. I probably won’t like it as much later on though. Oh well.

Buying a watch for yourself and telling the sales woman that it is a gift so that she will gift wrap it is a bad thing, or not? I just really like to open presents, what can I say.

Getting cigars at discount prices because you pretend to be ignorant and in need of advice is fun, especially if the cigar salesman ends up offering you one of your favorites. Call me a secret shopper, but I was just testing him; and well, that man knew his cigars.

It oddly annoys me when people collectively decide that they don’t like someone when they don’t know anything about them. Did they even talk to him? Did they even learn his story? I don’t think they did. I don’t think they cared. Judge quickly, fools; don’t love unconditionally, fine; but I don’t care what you think. They saw what they decided they wanted to see. A shame I say, he was kind.

I’m tired of the judgment of people. I have finally decided I don’t care what they think. If they want to learn me, they will, and if not, they won’t. I can’t change it. I don’t want to. I want to meet the people that want to listen, that will care, that will love- more than anything, love. And I find once again, that love is all that really matters. Oh, quiet heart, you have finally learned.

Not only I...

Believing with eyes wide shut is often easier than learning to jump while looking down. At least then we can fake the truth and tell ourselves that the distance to the bottom isn’t quite as far as it really is. Who knows, maybe it won’t hurt as much as we think it will to jump head first into this thing, this unabandon, this definite foreseen giving of ourselves to something bigger than we could ever be if we remained alone, detached, and cold.

AND all along you didn’t realize that you had my attention, my affection, my heart. I don’t believe in this ridiculous idea of love, the impractical, the nonsensical. Those are feelings and they will fade, but something that will stay is this volition, this volition to love you at all costs, to fight until I am unable to stand, until my knees have unwillingly retreated to the ground, brought down by defeat, by something greater than this love could bear. But don’t you know that it can bear quite a bit? Don’t you know how big my heart is? Don’t you know it is seeking you out?

And not only my heart by itself... no, that isn’t enough. It will not be able to stand alone, but behind it rests a force greater than you or I. Bigger than anything I could ever hope to be. That love, that love, It is like iron, like honey- strong and sweet. Nothing will break it and nothing will ever refresh you like it will. Even though the pieces are frayed and untied. They represent so much more. They sit and they wait, because they know better than you or I that they will be tied back together and this time it will be stronger than it ever was, this love. And before it was like iron, steel- unbreakable. But nothing is unbreakable you say, and yes, you are right. But don’t you know that almost everything that has been broken can be mended back together again?

And though it still hurts me, and you, we can get past this, this wall, this hindrance. It will become like glass shattered, it will spread as tiny pieces, unable to hold back even water, cold, frost, dust. It will not be able to contain any season, even the least of them, just as He won’t retain our sin, even the least of them, if we just ask Him not to.

secret cities

You found yourself wandering, no direction, no true goal in mind. You like to wander about, to see a city, to see a people. A city is more than the bricks used to build it, you are well aware. Just as you are aware that people are more than the corporeal shells that they occupy. There is something else, inside, tucked away, attempting to remain safe and away from the hurt of the world. At least that is how you feel.

But of recent you feel a little different then you did previously. You have shown your heart and it hasn’t been rejected. You have shown it and it has been loved, it has been admired, it has been accepted for just what it is, fragile. You find that the previously regularly taken emotion-control-pill that held you back is getting hard to swallow. Good, your prescription was running out anyway, and besides it costs too much.

You feel a little liberated and your heart feels lighter than usual, which seems near impossible considering it’s average level of lightness. Air weighs more you think to yourself.

Regardless, thank you friend for being one of few who occupy my daily thoughts in the quest to better myself. Thank you for being one of many that will forever have my heart.

l'onesta'

"La paura ci impedisce di vivere e sei troppo giovane per avere questa 'protezione'
sempre davanti a te. Potresti perdere l'occassione di essere felice per questa maledetta paura."

oh amica, hai ragione.

Not yet..

It hurts, this distance. I just met you and now you’re gone. I just left you and it’s already been too long. I believe I found another part, another part of my heart.

People make you who you are. You see who you want to be in them. You see who you are not. You see what you could become if you put yourself to the task of self-improvement, self-renewal, and self-imbuement with idealistic ideals. And still it points to the self. When will you get beyond it? Never probably, but in this context being selfish isn’t a bad thing. You will turn who you are into helping others and nothing but benefit can come from it. Or so you hope.

And hope you do, continually in fact. Sometimes it seems silly to have so much hope in so little. To believe, to believe in not believing, to not know what to believe, all of which rests in you, completely confident yet unsure. You fight this battle with eyes closed because you can’t see who you are anymore. Certainty has died in you, along with doubt. You remain in the middle, always in the middle. Go somewhere, pick something, become someone already. Please.

But you know, just like I know that I haven’t decided just yet. Not yet. But I will, I promise.