Wednesday, May 27, 2009

As if I would be gone tomorrow.

Be still heart. You feel too much.
Be still mind. You attempt to solve the impossible.
Be still life. You run me about in circles.
Be still. Be still. Be still.

The best is yet to come. That is what they told me once. It is all ahead of you, so bright, so full of possibilities. And now I have become plopped in the middle of it unsure of the end result, uncertain of my abilities to succeed. But still I press forward as hope gently nudges me from behind.

I don’t become introspective around this time of year as many people do. I am introspective all the time. I consider this next phase a year in advance, sometimes two, sometimes ten. Always considering. Always wondering. Yet, always living, not hindered by this daunting thing. This continual ending. A continual ending that only begins an unending thing. But that is no excuse to not live now, to not consider these moments as valuable, to not use this time wisely. This breakdown is continually building me up, encouraging me to push forward, to migliorarmi.

And I will live it, without any regrets, without any disappointments, without anything but love.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Life is beautifully different when you see it from someone else’s viewpoint.

I keep finding these people. These beautiful people who are passionate about this and that. Beautiful people who just want to tell someone what they think, what they feel, and why they are what they are. I love it when people muster up the courage to say what they really think. She told me things she hasn’t even told to her friend, she whispered to me as she pointed to one sitting next to her. I liked it. But why was she afraid of hiding?

And so this judgment comes back to haunt us in the worst way possible.

When did we get to the point that we are perfectly ok with telling strangers deeper things than we tell our friends solely because we fear what our friends will think of us? We question whether they would still accept us, whether they would still love us- just as we are, bruised and broken, with a wavering certainty that leaves us wondering more times than it leaves us convinced and sure. Aren’t friends the ones who help you through things like this? When did we get this way?

A friend once asked me who I spoke of when I said “ Ma io voglio che tu lo sai, che mi chiedi tutto quello che vuoi sapere.” My answer was not a complete lie. Yah sure I had a certain person in mind at the time, but I think it is applicable most to my friendships. I want to be able to tell my friends everything. But just like her I hide things from my friends because I fear a little. I am afraid of changing things irreparably. I am afraid I will lose them. Losing friends is like losing part of your heart; it hurts. And I don’t deal with hurt well.

This is such a hard thing to balance.

I want to find a good friend, make a mutual promise with them to be absolutely honest about everything, the things hidden deepest inside our hearts, the things we think we can tell no one about, and even the things we don’t want to be honest about. That kind of vulnerability is what I want. I am willing to put myself into a position to get effed over, if just to have one true friend that I can trust completely. I’ve always struggled with trust. I fear it may be difficult to find someone who will actually commit to do that, someone willing to love me no matter what. People don’t like being vulnerable. I know this cause I don’t either. But if we can just make this about love and not about us, it will work. I know it will.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Nothing stands as it once did.

I believed in you. I believed in me.
I used to believe, but now I see
the end stands just feet in front of me.

I tried and I failed. I tried again.
This thought of breathing, this thought of sin
This thought is slowly winning within.

How has it come to this, this bliss, this pain?
Wrapped into one, fighting each other in vain
Making sense of this blotched black spot
Breaking sense through my far reaching thought

With certainty on my lips I speak into the dark
With doubt in my mind I break my soul
With hope in my heart I bend my will
And force this heart to feel, to feel.

Please understand that it is not what you think. I am not who I say I am. I have become lost inside of myself and I am unable to discover the truth. I am unable to face this hardship. I am unwilling to watch my heart bleed. I will protect it at all costs. I will see the demise of my soul before I will allow my heart to be broken by this thing. So I will keep silence close and a fake smile ever ready.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Delightful moments with friends make life worthwhile.

Random dancing.
Uncontainable laughter.
Pure acceptance.
Love. --------------------------Just a few things that evenings with friends bring.

Goodness, I know some beautiful people. I love them and mere words will/could never do these sentiments justice. I am sure of it.
Sure, I sound cheesy, but I don’t care. How else could one explain this love? Besides cheesy has a certain appeal, right?



There are unspoken words that follow me everywhere I go. Held deep in the smallest caverns of my heart. Held only for me, so yes, I understood when you said what you said. I of all people try to hide the most. Hiding is easier, you know. But I think I am learning that sharing is much more liberating, fulfilling, hard as fucking hell. But still I go forward attempting to better myself in every way possible. Sure it will be difficult and it will come slow, if at all. But maybe this is a way I could break these shadowy doubts of untrustworthiness that have followed me all these years. It is crazy how a few big disappointments can hinder you so much. Maybe I have begun to use it as my crutch of disbelief. When will you learn to trust again? When will you learn that burns eventually heal? When will you be willing to give it all you’ve got? When?
Take a moment. Decide. I will wait for my heart to figure this out.
I will wait as long as it takes.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I should have known it would be this simple.

I think I have discovered more about myself than I ever planned to in such a short amount of time. I love to see a somewhat congruent shape form from the mass of uncertainty-filled clay that is my heart and mind.

I love to write. To write what is in my heart, to see it play out on the page, simple yet personally meaningful. I will remember so much because of this. I don’t think I do it for anyone else but me, but I would still want people to read these little experiences, thoughts, because what if it helps them get through the same situations that it has helped me with, the same doubts, fears. That alone would make me happy.

I find I often write about the same thing over and over. Love, caring for people, simple happiness, uncertainty, the desire to become something more, but they are the things that rest most on my mind. Embedded somehow in the subconscious, brought out by words and actions.

And to my perpetual letter-writing friend, you have made me better because you have shown me your heart, my heart, and what I could become.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Without you, I'm giving it away.

I have built up a wall to block you away, to fight you off. I have made it with the thickest of cement blocks and wired the top with barbed wire. Yet still you find a way around. You alone get through to me. I hate it, but not you. Never you. In fact, I adore you.

I do things I never planned if just to let you know how much you mean to me. All you have to do is ask and I will be there, you know. Maybe now you have begun to see it. Maybe now I will find the courage I am so desperately lacking. Maybes never mean much do they? Because maybe I will stay here in this unexplainable state, afraid of your reaction, afraid of my future action, afraid of missing this opportunity, afraid of being judged for this, afraid of being afraid. Or maybe I won’t. The possibilities of the “maybe” are far too many to wade through and discern with ease. So I struggle. Oh where will I begin? When will this end? When will this heart cease to feel this way? When will it finally feel more?

This sucks ass.

“By the way you brought me here, it makes me believe the best is still yet to come
and I don't want to leave. Forgive my hesitation- oh, but I'm learning to trust in you.You've introduced me to the moment, oh but I'm looking to stay for good. If you'd be honest and say what you mean you know I would promise I'd do anything. I know there's a reason. I'm in this too deep and I'm sure that without you, I'm giving it away.”

Friday, May 8, 2009

And for the second time I thought this struggle had died within me. I was wrong.

I do not see clearly anymore. My heart and head have become so confused by this mental and emotional state of wonderment- wonderment in the fact that I never saw this coming. I never pictured this for myself. But now that the picture has begun to form, I do not hate it. I should. But I don’t. I am the worst of the worst, no better than the least of the least and I don’t know what to do about it.

These feelings are hell. These thoughts consume me and I cannot escape them. I don’t know what to do, whom to turn to. Surely He has already left me. His love cannot be this great can it? This small voice tells me it can’t be. My mind tells me it has to be or He would not be who He says He is. My soul tells me He still loves me. My conscience tells me I am slipping. My heart tells me this is the real deal. My heart betrays me and rages against all else. I am left to remain here in this confusion, in this doubt, unable to crawl out of this pit, unwilling to fight it wholly because I want to feel. I want to feel this way and have it reciprocated. And the possibility, though minute, has finally presented itself in a manner I never expected.

But still I remain in this agony, cause I don’t know if I am strong enough for this, if I can face this alone, if anyone will be here to help me, if anyone will truly love me through this. So I sit and I write, if only to get these thoughts out of this prison that is my mind, if only to face this situation a little more directly, if only to release this stress that has formed and is blocking my heart. I am lost I fear. I am eaten wholly by this fear. I am so afraid of this. I am so afraid of me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Beautiful Diversions are fun.

I see beauty where there is confusion. Life where there is death. Hope in the collapsed rubble of a heart. I must make myself look past the obvious if just to keep my sanity.

I enjoy finding the positive in things. Life would suck if I didn’t. I can’t even imagine how someone could live with negativity 24/7. All it does is drag out, beat down, and disenable. People could become so much more if they would use their hearts instead of their minds.

I never thought I would say this. I enjoy Facebook stalking you. It hurts when you speak of someone else when I don’t have the nerve to raise my voice above a mere indiscernible whisper that I would refuse to repeat even if I were caught mumbling something under my breath. But still I love to listen, if just to discover more of your heart.

I don’t know what to think anymore, so I won’t try.
I don’t know what to do anymore, so I won’t act.
I don’t know what to say anymore, so I will let silence rule me.
I have permanently lost my mind. I am sure of it.
Crap.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Unusual moments. I wish they happened more often.

I sat in the back seat, pillow in hand, buckled up, prepared for the long journey. And as he drove, the ever-moving scenic view that passed along the winding, forest-covered road made the sunlight dance a little. The occasional bright flash forced the sunglasses over my eyes. Silence took precedence. The gentle sound of the wind along the pane of glass that rested just inches from my nose was the loudest noise I heard, other than the beating of my heart in my chest. I liked the quiet. I liked more so when it was broken. His throat cleared and as he glanced in the rear-view mirror he asked me what the best thing that came out of this was. It didn’t take me long to think of it, verbalizing it was the issue. How do I explain this newfound feeling that possesses my heart so wholly and with such force? So I raised my sunglasses, looked in the mirror, and fixed my eyes on his face, just so he knew I was serious…if just this once. And as I began, the words came slow and planned at first, and then my heart took over my thoughts. It attempted to explain with fragile words this overwhelming feeling, this new mentality. Afterwards, he didn’t say anything, so I don’t know what he thought of it. I don’t know if I explained it well enough. It was then that I realized why the heart feels instead of talks. I hope he understood correctly. I wish I could give him my heart for 5 seconds just so he could feel what I feel- these feelings are amazing things. I love when he gets up the courage to ask me questions. Usually they are deeper than the casual inquiry. I like that about him. I enjoy being able to see his heart, to show him mine. I think I found out where I got my “deep thinking” from. He is a pensive, gentle soul, and I love him.

Time and time again I see pieces of me from different angles. It is odd, but I like it. I get to see me how my friends see me, how my parents see me, how my family sees me, how I see me. How I thought my view of me was pretty clear, but really I see only the little bit I want to see. Honest moments bring a truthful reality. They make me see the things that I avoid confronting; that I think I know, but really don’t; that I want to be but can’t quite become, because I am stubbornly refusing to change what I need to.
Final Closure. Great Relief. Immense Growth. Unwavering Belief. Unstoppable Love. Ever-growing Hope. Loving Open-Mindedness. Total Acceptance- just a few things that I gained, in this short time.

Friday, May 1, 2009

And now what will I become?

I don’t like the reflection I see when I look in the mirror sometimes, but I know it is ok because I am not going to remain this way forever. This mindset of uncontrollable urges to do crazy things may one day fade, but I pray my sense of adventure stays with me always. I find time knows so much more than me about healing a heart. I think I use too much gauze and too many bandages when a simple band-aid would do. I over think things too much. I know things have gone past the point of crazy infatuation to a point of simple friendship-driven love, but I still want to tell you how I feel/felt about you, if just to make you realize how special I think you are. I think the world of you. I do. But I know nothing could ever come of this in the long run, although the short-term joy seems almost worth it. I wonder what you would think about it. I wonder what you would say if I told you. I wonder what you would do if I tried to step inside your personal bubble of space. If I tried to make you realize the extent of my sentiments that I carried for oh so long. It would be my last hurrah. I wonder, but I don’t want to act on it cause I fear my romantic ideals are far better than any realistic expectancy I could hope for. So I will sit here and let my mind run wild, let me heart run free.