Learning patience though impatient acts

It was purely selfish, dialing the 10 digit number, area code included, with my partially wobbly, obviously nervous pointer finger. Recruiters put me in a dither. I was relieved when she answered though, and kept my cool. She kept cooler, although she must have been thrown off guard by my unexpected phone intrusion, “I’m glad you called,” she said. And I heard it in her voice, she was glad I called. My heart jumped a little.

We discussed matters regarding Peace and future meetings, unknown information, and her gratefulness for my patience. She didn’t know I was starting to wonder if anything was ever going to happen, and this is the reason I called… maybe not so patient after all. After all was said and done regarding business matters, I asked her how her day was. It seemed to be going well enough. Her voice smiles on the phone. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a meeting over a cup of coffee and ready responses to the questions brewing in my mind. Don’t worry, kid, you will find out everything, all in due time, all in due time. I steadily reassured myself as the phone call ended. I truly feel "ok" being in such good hands, His and hers.

The Peach Tea Discovery

Today I discovered a new thing. Although little and seemingly ridiculous to write about, I have discovered the joy of drinking Snapple. I never considered myself a tea person, unless it was hot and black or herbal and green with just a tiny glob of honey added. But today I decided to venture wide, jump out of my comfortable bubble of the well-known, of the already-stamped "me approved" beverage selection. Ok, Ok, I take too much credit. I’m a creature of habit, I know, so I’m really glad that 55 cent off coupon was hanging from the refrigerator doors of the Circle K, gently nudging and encouraging me to risk the .63 cents necessary to purchase it. That gentle nudging joined with my disdain for change was the final blow. I buckled, and buckling has never tasted so good. So thank you .55 cent coupon, you’ve added another joy to my life.

Restlessness: Well, this morning I decided I don’t like it very much.

It’s that feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night, the one that induces stomach pains and headaches that have no specific bodily reason for existence or seeming derivation. I didn’t eat something bad. I didn’t drink too much. They come and go as they please, and nothing helps to abate them.

Distracting helps a little, but only for so long. It isn’t the act of examination that I fear, although my palms do get sweaty and my hands shake a little. It is the underlying implication that this examination brings. It seems to me as if they are lined up, all together, each having the same expectant look on their face that says, “Let’s go kid, let’s see what you’re made of,” one thing that I fear the most. I don’t even know what I am capable of, I guess. But somehow I like resting in the unknown, because it leaves no place to reveal lack.

My goodness, I’m nearly 25. When is this going to end?!

This morning after waking up I decided, I think I am going to take a wiffle bat to life’s knees, just to see where it will get me. Because I want to know what I’m made of; I want to know where I lack. I want to make myself better. And well, you will never realize you have the remnants of this morning’s powered doughnut on your face until you decide to look in the mirror. And wouldn’t you rather discover it now rather than 10 min later on the bus when a stranger informs you of it with the universal silent gesture of the “you-have-something-on-your-face” hand swipe? Yah, me too. :)

Quando non sei qui vicino, sei ancora con me.

Quando non volgio andarci da sola , ci andrò con te.
Quando non posso vederti più, a te penserò e ci riuscirò.
Quando il buio scende, voleremo al sole portati sulle ali dell’amore.
Fuggiremo dal mondo, dalla sua tristezza,
Dall’odio della gente, da tutto che c’è di male.

Don't stay put

Goodness I see the potential
For you to become what I have not
For you to win what I have lost
For you to remember what I forgot

For every word, letter, and phone call, I thank you. It seems that thanking you is all I can do, though I hanker for the day when I can do much more. When I can see you live your dreams and help you, if you ever need it. Though I doubt it. Your will, at times, is far stronger than mine. Stubborn even, I am sure, but still soft, malleable, clay-like in its rawness.

I have blinked and the time has flown.
I have learned and have come to know
That time won’t leave us left alone
Always together though not at “home”
Or the home that used to be our own
Now given to dust-covered pillowcases
Old threads and ratty shoelaces
Half-chewed by our animal friend
Who couldn’t remain with us in the end
A sad state he left us in
and in which we will not remain.

Revisions, Revisions and the Art of Revising the Revised.

I gladly released it from my hands this morning.
In fact, I sent it away with a warm welcome,
A glimmer of hope, and a post-marked price of $2.73.

Destination known, Atlanta.
Sender, nervous aka Clammy hands.
Future unknown: nowhere, maybe?

So in the back of your mind you revise your life plan,
With fallback options including plans A, B, C, and BFE.

Oh weary soul,
When will you stop planning and re-planning for tomorrow
You are going to waste all of your time, leaving no time for now.

Allusions to elude

No one will remember
None could forget.
Corporations and government
Outtakes and shipwrecks
Baby bottles and Nyquil
This oil spill… too complex?
No thanks to BP,
No help from the GOV
In fact, should there be?
-Parties made of tea cups
-“Moral” degradation
-Standing with the right
-Standing with the left
First flights, first fancy, foul fake ornament
Looks good from the outside,
But inside descent
Too big the great divide
When will it all collide?
Mesh into one
Undo what we have done
Will no one return?
Will no one learn?

The card you were dealt was paper mache
Made out of wet and dry and grey
Old wrinkled newspaper never once read
Those stories, those lives, left for dead.