The possibilities are endless. I just dont know which one to take.

I am slowly becoming a little bolder. I am seeking to step out onto something not quite defined. It is unsettling, but I welcome these feelings of doubt. Chissa! Forse trovero’ qualcosa piu bella di quello che ho immaginato.

I had a great conversation with my Italian professor today. I still talk like I am 2 but I succeeded in making a joke, which he laughed at. Almeno sono il tesoro di qualcuno.

I love my classes with him. He has made me want to be better, to learn more. Mi innamoro sempre di piu con questa lingua ogni giorno.

So I fiddled with my guitar today. I am trying to write a new song but am failing miserably at it. Questi pensieri sono persi dentro di me, e non riesco trovarli.

I am very much looking forward to the holidays. It becomes a little strange to see the family unit change. If the family isn’t broken by divorce, it is divided later by life. I remember when my youngest brother got married. Up until that point he was my best friend, we hung out every day. If he wanted to do anything he would ask me to go with him, if I wanted to go anywhere, he was the first one I called. Now I have seen him a total of 5 times this whole year. Change sucks sometimes, life pulls us apart, and we learn to deal with it; but that still doesn’t negate the fact that I miss my family when I am away. Ma allo stesso tempo io volgio spingerla via, perche’ io so che partiro’ e forse sara’ piu facile piu tardi se comincio spingerla via poco a poco adesso. In questo modo, il mio cuore puo imparare come perdere. Io non so quello che fare di piu.

I saw it in a store and thought it would look good on my wall...

I went shopping today. Some call it window shopping. I call it telling myself I am going window shopping but knowing all along that I will end up buying something that I don’t necessarily need. I promised myself I would not spend any money. Boy did I lie. I ended up buying one of those plaques that almost always have a clichéd saying on it. You know the ones you see in Linens & Things and Bed, Bath & Beyond? Yah it was one of those. I know I am a sucker. I bought something for 5 times the cost it took to make it, and I almost don’t care if it is lame or a waste, because I liked it… sho nuff, I liked it. Sure I could just remember the saying, write it on a blank piece of paper with a sharpie, and tape it to my wall, but that wouldn’t be as neat or pretty. What can I say? I am not that artistic, or artistic at all, really. In fact, coloring by number was a struggle for me when I was younger, and to this day I have difficulty staying inside the lines. Anyways, getting back on track. Me…bought plaque…. Liked plaque…YEAH plaque! It is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, of whom I am quickly becoming an aficionado, and this is what it said:

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

So let’s not worry so much about life, and things beyond our control. Instead let’s look to what we can become, what we can make of ourselves as people. We can be kind, we can be accepting of others, we can be genuine, we can love others for no reason at all except for the mere fact that we know that people need compassion. We can make what lies within us so much greater than the hate of others, greater than the past, and brighter, so much brighter than the future.

I did things a little differently today...

I decided to skip the 6-minute bus ride in order to take the 35-minute walk home instead. I blame it on the weather. How dare it be so beautiful! I didn’t rush, didn’t put headphones in, and didn’t call anyone. I just let myself walk, slow, just me and my thoughts. I began to remember so many things I had begun to forget, things I don’t want to forget. I enjoy reliving them, these simple memories. They have made me who I am. I think it is good for your mind to remember; but sometimes, it is good for your heart to forget, because regret hurts. It is easy enough to say you shouldn’t regret things, but much harder to do. Some mistakes you never forget, but there is still good that comes, because you learn from them. I find this introspection is both easy and difficult, yet refreshing. It is good to take time to look inside yourself, to discover something new that you didn’t see before. Today I discovered that, like wine, I am becoming better with time. When it comes to wine, they often say older years are usually better, but this current year has been the best "vintage year" of my life. :)

I can see so much more now that my eyes have fully opened...

We are tossed and turned on the waves of life; but hope will keep us afloat, and love will give us new-found strength.

Little by little, I feel the holes in my heart beginning to fill in. Needless to say, I haven't felt more whole as a person than I do right now.

Raccontami di te...Raccontami perche?

What an uncommon beauty these words she forms with seeming ease. They speak to the deepest parts of my heart. Oh, if only I were as eloquent as to form a phrase with such emotion, such heart. To speak them with a strong resounding voice that floats on the wings of a melody so soft. I see a little of what I long to become in her.

These non-rhythmic beats seem a little off, but this combination of sound brings life. My heart begins to beat along, and I find I am writing the soundtrack to my life. With every beat, the heart monitor wavers; its inconsistency matches that of my youth. But I am better than I used to be.

So similar these minds, these hearts entwined. Maybe my point of view is biased.

I can’t say, even now, that I know exactly who you are. Would it be rash of me to say I love you? I don’t use the word love lightly. I can type it in multiple languages and every time I do, I really mean it. They could easily misconstrue it, but don’t they know love is so much more than what they think it is- so much more. Maybe I love too easily, but I don’t mind.

My heart feels too full sometimes; it’s bursting at the seams. My heart desires to remain in this place, to be given to someone for safekeeping. I desire to become unmovable, to stand still and feel the wind on my face. I desire to move forward, to freefall into something more. Something great, this love will be.

Addressing some issues, if only for myself.

I thought I saw your face on the front of a magazine the other day, but it was just someone who looked like you. It brought you back to my thoughts, a place you haven’t been in a while. I could say I don’t know why it took me so long to think of you, but it would be a lie. I can. I don’t think of you because the distance is too much for me to handle calmly. And even though you have found yourself another life, part of me will be with you always, and I have finally found I can’t ignore it anymore.

You may never know how many times I have wanted to call you, and I may never have the courage to tell you. So I will put it in this note with the hopes that you will read it and know I speak of you, friend. I’ve picked up the phone, dialed your number and hung up at least a dozen times in a row. This is something so simple; it shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t know why I make it. I wish this uncertainty would die in me.

I am tired of having a heart that is so ready to love someone without having someone to love. It is really starting to tear me up inside. I just want to give everything I am to someone and have them love me back. Is it too much to ask? Can’t it be easier than what they make it out to be?

I have shoved you to the side, pushed you into the dark, because I was tired of working so hard to keep myself going in the right direction. I still don’t know where to go, so I sit here on the ground in a mound of confusion with the hopes that you will find me and put me back together. I can’t do it by myself. I can’t. I don’t even want to try without you here with me. So come, please. Fight me even when I push you away. Don’t let me win. Piece me back together again.

Through every regret, sadness, doubt, and hard time, I find I am still happy. If not on the surface, but deep down I am. Different feelings need to show, I can’t exist in only one. But they are underlying always, these soft feelings of joy, these thoughts of simple happiness. This feeling that I can fly. It exists in me. I can feel it welling up. I can feel it breaking free.

Honesty...again

At least now I’m not shoving it all inside. They eat me from the inside out, these feelings. But at least I feel. I hurt, I love, I bleed, but I feel. The overflow of my heart would be uncontainable by an ocean. There is too much, too much. It fills my every breath, the marrow in my bones. It goes deep, unable to be uprooted, unable to be manipulated and changed.

I cried at breakfast this morning. It sounds lame, but I don’t care. I was thinking a lot about the little that you said. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I would like to say some words of encouragement, but I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t even know what to say to myself. I would like to think I can relate in some way, but I know I really can’t. Different lives, lead to different places. Feelings aren’t the same. I know how I feel. I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and I have been left for dead. People ask me, and I lie casually. I can’t even begin to explain. How do I tell them I don’t care much for this place anymore, that my heart is somewhere else now, that I want to leave them behind? Oh God, it hurts just thinking about it. But it is all I think of everyday. It consumes my thoughts and I can’t break from them. I can’t fill this empty hole. I don’t know if I ever will able to, but I really do hope I can. I wonder if this is what depression feels like.

I realized I don’t even know you all that much. Learning people is hard. Where do you begin? How far do you take it? How much do they care to learn you?

I wish someone would write a manual on life. But that would make it too easy wouldn’t it?

Be still, Breathe deep, and finally, Take the plunge.

For once I am going to be honest with myself.

I think I talk to much and don't do enough. I think I care too much what others think, even though I say I don't. I think I want to be better than I am to make up for what I haven't been in the past. I think I am scared to seek out love, for fear of no one wanting me. I think I am selfish. I think I should cry more often than I do ( Is my heart made of stone?).

I am so uncertian of my life, but I like the instability. I am trying to become more than I am, but I am finding it difficult. I am blinded by romantic ideals, but I like them. I am fighting to win a battle that I just might lose. I don't know who I am as much as I thought I did. I want to stand on a public sidewalk and scream at the top of my lungs, but I never will because I am not bold enough.

I feel a little confused and lost, but I am ok with it. I am ok with me.

What do you do when you find out the end was really the END?

Life throws us some curves. I don't quite know how to take all of them sometimes. Usually I do rather well. Coping has become habitual. So many changes come and go, if I didn't cope I would lose my mind. But does coping mean I have stopped caring for all those friends that I don't see anymore, for all the memories I made, or all the love I had and still have in my heart for others?

This is a tough road to travel, this life.

I wish I were bolder.

When do you say the distance has become too far and cut ties? Do you hold on forever? Do you lose just a little bit of your heart to all of the people you love until you don't have any left to give? I feel I still have so much more to give, but so much is already gone. When does it all balance out?

I wish I could see myself as he sees me.

I wish I could relive some moments just to better remember what they felt like.

I think maybe I wish too much.

It took 5,626 miles of separation for me to find myself, and this is who I became when I left home

I see something building up inside me that wasn't there before. It cries out loudest from the smallest part of my soul. It cries out for love, purpose, and REAL friendships. This new perspective is swallowing me whole. I am able to be who I want to be. I will be who I am and unashamedly. I will say what I think and without fear. I will love like I want to be loved and wholeheartedly.
I find as I get older the years get shorter. The time is speeding past and my fingers seem to be losing their grip. With a positive attitude I seek to see the good in this. Now, I value every moment I have more. I value every conversation with friends, whether 3 hours or 3 minutes. I treasure the little things; they add so much to my life- the occasional letter to a friend, sunny days that carry a delightful breeze, climbing the jetties at midnight, and seeing someone for the first time in 2 years. My heart gets unnaturally giddy thinking of the small, yet meaningful moments in my life. Some would consider them unworthy of noting, I don't. The small moments build up to big moments, the big moments gradually grow bigger, and these bigger moments define my life. I will be defined by the little deeds- the uttering of kind words to a stranger, the selflessness of giving yourself to others, the desperately needed hug you gave unknowingly just because you felt they should be hugged solely because of who they are. These moments will define me. They will form the thoughts and ideas said of me when I am gone. They will be the vestiges of me left for others to consider thoughtfully. What will they say of you?
All I want is that they say: I gave like no one else gave, I lived like no one else lived, and I loved like no one else loved. Undoubtedly this may not be what is said of me, but if I attempt to live up to this standard, just maybe I will affect the world as best I can. I will give as best I can, I will live as best I can, and I will love as best I can. And well, maybe, just maybe, my best will be enough for me, because I gave it my all.

Call the surgeon mend the pieces...

I am breaking myself up in order to find hope within others and myself. I dream to be more, to do more, to live more. I find my life a wonderful thing; I don’t want to waste it like I have. I want to do more with it, reach more with it, and become more through it. So many thoughts race through my head. I don’t know where to begin and end, when to pause and reflect on one specific thing, or if I should let my thoughts run wild.
Unbound hearts make for the best.
When do you make that decision in your life on exactly what to believe, on what to become, on what to achieve. I want to break down these walls of doubt, oh furious things they are! They set me back and not forward. They tear me down, not raise me up. I believe, I believe, I believe in so many things, so little things. To place myself above it becomes infinitely difficult. To stay in it tears me apart. Oh such fragile things we are. We should admit it more to the people we love. What or who else do we have? I would give up everything to spend 30 more seconds with you, have one more breath in your presence, and be able to see you without blinking to see the image of you fade.
Unbound hearts make for the best.
So much in this world is nothing to me. So little is everything. Images of color fade to black and white; there is a beauty in the simplicity of things. Beauty in the reflection of the moon on the ocean, beauty in the rarely seen depths of the heart of a person, beauty in each moment good or bad.
Unbound hearts make for the best.

I am breakable

My heart bursts with these feelings that I can’t quite convey when using only simple black shaped blotches strewn across white blank trees. Thoughts run about, but they are ever escaping. Unable to form them into phrase, I struggle, grasping for nothing, everything. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I wish to live no longer, yet not die. Realizing reality defeats the purpose, realizing my reality, the reality of my life, brings nothing but joy, sorrow rapped into one. I cry for what I do not know. I laugh for what I do and others don’t, and I fear for what may or may not come. I stretch little by little until the strings break, the off-tune notes of the unchained melody of my heart wither and weaken. The song of my life turns to white noise and fades to silence. My heart ties attempt to reach any anchored place, yet I stop them knowing full well I should give aid instead. I fight myself. I fight all others. I can only lose. I can only win. I can only end. I can only begin. The confusion takes root and takes over, yet again, confusion in the knowledge that I know what will be. How they ask? “You cannot.” “It is impossible.” They see through wax. The light shines through, the hazy mixture of shape and movement, but they cannot see what I see. They cannot see how I see. I see only beauty. I see love unconfined. For this I choose to wander, to be led by a wanderer. For love has no permanent home, it goes where it is needed. It is not tied, nor am I. I am forced to roam; it is my purpose. I will see friends come and go, each time my heart will break, there is no doubt of this. I will weep for an absent family whom I will never cease to love. But I must go. I am a nearly finished puzzle awaiting the final piece. I will leave all behind, to find something that fills me more. I won’t know till I have found it, nor will I ever be able to explain it. In this, trust me. Trust that I know what I do. Accepting will be hard, and the wounds may not heal easily, ever. But something greater calls, and I must answer, something greater than myself. I have seen the days of my life in slow motion, rewind, pause, and fast forward but never stop. Today I push stop so that I may push forward. Love will carry me to the end of my fears. My heart cries for more, nothing more but more. It beats furiously trapped inside this skin, this mentality of a false forward momentum. Today I have realized nothing moves and I can’t sit still. I have to go, go away from it all. Risk the fall. Break the rules. Break my own heart for the sake of others, but only they will be able to piece it back again. Only once I am shattered can I be whole; so break me fear, break me life, break me love. I am breakable, oh so breakable.