Thursday, August 21, 2008

I am breakable

My heart bursts with these feelings that I can’t quite convey when using only simple black shaped blotches strewn across white blank trees. Thoughts run about, but they are ever escaping. Unable to form them into phrase, I struggle, grasping for nothing, everything. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I wish to live no longer, yet not die. Realizing reality defeats the purpose, realizing my reality, the reality of my life, brings nothing but joy, sorrow rapped into one. I cry for what I do not know. I laugh for what I do and others don’t, and I fear for what may or may not come. I stretch little by little until the strings break, the off-tune notes of the unchained melody of my heart wither and weaken. The song of my life turns to white noise and fades to silence. My heart ties attempt to reach any anchored place, yet I stop them knowing full well I should give aid instead. I fight myself. I fight all others. I can only lose. I can only win. I can only end. I can only begin. The confusion takes root and takes over, yet again, confusion in the knowledge that I know what will be. How they ask? “You cannot.” “It is impossible.” They see through wax. The light shines through, the hazy mixture of shape and movement, but they cannot see what I see. They cannot see how I see. I see only beauty. I see love unconfined. For this I choose to wander, to be led by a wanderer. For love has no permanent home, it goes where it is needed. It is not tied, nor am I. I am forced to roam; it is my purpose. I will see friends come and go, each time my heart will break, there is no doubt of this. I will weep for an absent family whom I will never cease to love. But I must go. I am a nearly finished puzzle awaiting the final piece. I will leave all behind, to find something that fills me more. I won’t know till I have found it, nor will I ever be able to explain it. In this, trust me. Trust that I know what I do. Accepting will be hard, and the wounds may not heal easily, ever. But something greater calls, and I must answer, something greater than myself. I have seen the days of my life in slow motion, rewind, pause, and fast forward but never stop. Today I push stop so that I may push forward. Love will carry me to the end of my fears. My heart cries for more, nothing more but more. It beats furiously trapped inside this skin, this mentality of a false forward momentum. Today I have realized nothing moves and I can’t sit still. I have to go, go away from it all. Risk the fall. Break the rules. Break my own heart for the sake of others, but only they will be able to piece it back again. Only once I am shattered can I be whole; so break me fear, break me life, break me love. I am breakable, oh so breakable.