Raccontami di te...Raccontami perche?

What an uncommon beauty these words she forms with seeming ease. They speak to the deepest parts of my heart. Oh, if only I were as eloquent as to form a phrase with such emotion, such heart. To speak them with a strong resounding voice that floats on the wings of a melody so soft. I see a little of what I long to become in her.

These non-rhythmic beats seem a little off, but this combination of sound brings life. My heart begins to beat along, and I find I am writing the soundtrack to my life. With every beat, the heart monitor wavers; its inconsistency matches that of my youth. But I am better than I used to be.

So similar these minds, these hearts entwined. Maybe my point of view is biased.

I can’t say, even now, that I know exactly who you are. Would it be rash of me to say I love you? I don’t use the word love lightly. I can type it in multiple languages and every time I do, I really mean it. They could easily misconstrue it, but don’t they know love is so much more than what they think it is- so much more. Maybe I love too easily, but I don’t mind.

My heart feels too full sometimes; it’s bursting at the seams. My heart desires to remain in this place, to be given to someone for safekeeping. I desire to become unmovable, to stand still and feel the wind on my face. I desire to move forward, to freefall into something more. Something great, this love will be.

Addressing some issues, if only for myself.

I thought I saw your face on the front of a magazine the other day, but it was just someone who looked like you. It brought you back to my thoughts, a place you haven’t been in a while. I could say I don’t know why it took me so long to think of you, but it would be a lie. I can. I don’t think of you because the distance is too much for me to handle calmly. And even though you have found yourself another life, part of me will be with you always, and I have finally found I can’t ignore it anymore.

You may never know how many times I have wanted to call you, and I may never have the courage to tell you. So I will put it in this note with the hopes that you will read it and know I speak of you, friend. I’ve picked up the phone, dialed your number and hung up at least a dozen times in a row. This is something so simple; it shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t know why I make it. I wish this uncertainty would die in me.

I am tired of having a heart that is so ready to love someone without having someone to love. It is really starting to tear me up inside. I just want to give everything I am to someone and have them love me back. Is it too much to ask? Can’t it be easier than what they make it out to be?

I have shoved you to the side, pushed you into the dark, because I was tired of working so hard to keep myself going in the right direction. I still don’t know where to go, so I sit here on the ground in a mound of confusion with the hopes that you will find me and put me back together. I can’t do it by myself. I can’t. I don’t even want to try without you here with me. So come, please. Fight me even when I push you away. Don’t let me win. Piece me back together again.

Through every regret, sadness, doubt, and hard time, I find I am still happy. If not on the surface, but deep down I am. Different feelings need to show, I can’t exist in only one. But they are underlying always, these soft feelings of joy, these thoughts of simple happiness. This feeling that I can fly. It exists in me. I can feel it welling up. I can feel it breaking free.

Honesty...again

At least now I’m not shoving it all inside. They eat me from the inside out, these feelings. But at least I feel. I hurt, I love, I bleed, but I feel. The overflow of my heart would be uncontainable by an ocean. There is too much, too much. It fills my every breath, the marrow in my bones. It goes deep, unable to be uprooted, unable to be manipulated and changed.

I cried at breakfast this morning. It sounds lame, but I don’t care. I was thinking a lot about the little that you said. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I would like to say some words of encouragement, but I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t even know what to say to myself. I would like to think I can relate in some way, but I know I really can’t. Different lives, lead to different places. Feelings aren’t the same. I know how I feel. I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and I have been left for dead. People ask me, and I lie casually. I can’t even begin to explain. How do I tell them I don’t care much for this place anymore, that my heart is somewhere else now, that I want to leave them behind? Oh God, it hurts just thinking about it. But it is all I think of everyday. It consumes my thoughts and I can’t break from them. I can’t fill this empty hole. I don’t know if I ever will able to, but I really do hope I can. I wonder if this is what depression feels like.

I realized I don’t even know you all that much. Learning people is hard. Where do you begin? How far do you take it? How much do they care to learn you?

I wish someone would write a manual on life. But that would make it too easy wouldn’t it?

Be still, Breathe deep, and finally, Take the plunge.

For once I am going to be honest with myself.

I think I talk to much and don't do enough. I think I care too much what others think, even though I say I don't. I think I want to be better than I am to make up for what I haven't been in the past. I think I am scared to seek out love, for fear of no one wanting me. I think I am selfish. I think I should cry more often than I do ( Is my heart made of stone?).

I am so uncertian of my life, but I like the instability. I am trying to become more than I am, but I am finding it difficult. I am blinded by romantic ideals, but I like them. I am fighting to win a battle that I just might lose. I don't know who I am as much as I thought I did. I want to stand on a public sidewalk and scream at the top of my lungs, but I never will because I am not bold enough.

I feel a little confused and lost, but I am ok with it. I am ok with me.

What do you do when you find out the end was really the END?

Life throws us some curves. I don't quite know how to take all of them sometimes. Usually I do rather well. Coping has become habitual. So many changes come and go, if I didn't cope I would lose my mind. But does coping mean I have stopped caring for all those friends that I don't see anymore, for all the memories I made, or all the love I had and still have in my heart for others?

This is a tough road to travel, this life.

I wish I were bolder.

When do you say the distance has become too far and cut ties? Do you hold on forever? Do you lose just a little bit of your heart to all of the people you love until you don't have any left to give? I feel I still have so much more to give, but so much is already gone. When does it all balance out?

I wish I could see myself as he sees me.

I wish I could relive some moments just to better remember what they felt like.

I think maybe I wish too much.

It took 5,626 miles of separation for me to find myself, and this is who I became when I left home

I see something building up inside me that wasn't there before. It cries out loudest from the smallest part of my soul. It cries out for love, purpose, and REAL friendships. This new perspective is swallowing me whole. I am able to be who I want to be. I will be who I am and unashamedly. I will say what I think and without fear. I will love like I want to be loved and wholeheartedly.
I find as I get older the years get shorter. The time is speeding past and my fingers seem to be losing their grip. With a positive attitude I seek to see the good in this. Now, I value every moment I have more. I value every conversation with friends, whether 3 hours or 3 minutes. I treasure the little things; they add so much to my life- the occasional letter to a friend, sunny days that carry a delightful breeze, climbing the jetties at midnight, and seeing someone for the first time in 2 years. My heart gets unnaturally giddy thinking of the small, yet meaningful moments in my life. Some would consider them unworthy of noting, I don't. The small moments build up to big moments, the big moments gradually grow bigger, and these bigger moments define my life. I will be defined by the little deeds- the uttering of kind words to a stranger, the selflessness of giving yourself to others, the desperately needed hug you gave unknowingly just because you felt they should be hugged solely because of who they are. These moments will define me. They will form the thoughts and ideas said of me when I am gone. They will be the vestiges of me left for others to consider thoughtfully. What will they say of you?
All I want is that they say: I gave like no one else gave, I lived like no one else lived, and I loved like no one else loved. Undoubtedly this may not be what is said of me, but if I attempt to live up to this standard, just maybe I will affect the world as best I can. I will give as best I can, I will live as best I can, and I will love as best I can. And well, maybe, just maybe, my best will be enough for me, because I gave it my all.

Call the surgeon mend the pieces...

I am breaking myself up in order to find hope within others and myself. I dream to be more, to do more, to live more. I find my life a wonderful thing; I don’t want to waste it like I have. I want to do more with it, reach more with it, and become more through it. So many thoughts race through my head. I don’t know where to begin and end, when to pause and reflect on one specific thing, or if I should let my thoughts run wild.
Unbound hearts make for the best.
When do you make that decision in your life on exactly what to believe, on what to become, on what to achieve. I want to break down these walls of doubt, oh furious things they are! They set me back and not forward. They tear me down, not raise me up. I believe, I believe, I believe in so many things, so little things. To place myself above it becomes infinitely difficult. To stay in it tears me apart. Oh such fragile things we are. We should admit it more to the people we love. What or who else do we have? I would give up everything to spend 30 more seconds with you, have one more breath in your presence, and be able to see you without blinking to see the image of you fade.
Unbound hearts make for the best.
So much in this world is nothing to me. So little is everything. Images of color fade to black and white; there is a beauty in the simplicity of things. Beauty in the reflection of the moon on the ocean, beauty in the rarely seen depths of the heart of a person, beauty in each moment good or bad.
Unbound hearts make for the best.