Addressing some issues, if only for myself.

I thought I saw your face on the front of a magazine the other day, but it was just someone who looked like you. It brought you back to my thoughts, a place you haven’t been in a while. I could say I don’t know why it took me so long to think of you, but it would be a lie. I can. I don’t think of you because the distance is too much for me to handle calmly. And even though you have found yourself another life, part of me will be with you always, and I have finally found I can’t ignore it anymore.

You may never know how many times I have wanted to call you, and I may never have the courage to tell you. So I will put it in this note with the hopes that you will read it and know I speak of you, friend. I’ve picked up the phone, dialed your number and hung up at least a dozen times in a row. This is something so simple; it shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t know why I make it. I wish this uncertainty would die in me.

I am tired of having a heart that is so ready to love someone without having someone to love. It is really starting to tear me up inside. I just want to give everything I am to someone and have them love me back. Is it too much to ask? Can’t it be easier than what they make it out to be?

I have shoved you to the side, pushed you into the dark, because I was tired of working so hard to keep myself going in the right direction. I still don’t know where to go, so I sit here on the ground in a mound of confusion with the hopes that you will find me and put me back together. I can’t do it by myself. I can’t. I don’t even want to try without you here with me. So come, please. Fight me even when I push you away. Don’t let me win. Piece me back together again.

Through every regret, sadness, doubt, and hard time, I find I am still happy. If not on the surface, but deep down I am. Different feelings need to show, I can’t exist in only one. But they are underlying always, these soft feelings of joy, these thoughts of simple happiness. This feeling that I can fly. It exists in me. I can feel it welling up. I can feel it breaking free.