At least now I’m not shoving it all inside. They eat me from the inside out, these feelings. But at least I feel. I hurt, I love, I bleed, but I feel. The overflow of my heart would be uncontainable by an ocean. There is too much, too much. It fills my every breath, the marrow in my bones. It goes deep, unable to be uprooted, unable to be manipulated and changed.
I cried at breakfast this morning. It sounds lame, but I don’t care. I was thinking a lot about the little that you said. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I would like to say some words of encouragement, but I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t even know what to say to myself. I would like to think I can relate in some way, but I know I really can’t. Different lives, lead to different places. Feelings aren’t the same. I know how I feel. I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and I have been left for dead. People ask me, and I lie casually. I can’t even begin to explain. How do I tell them I don’t care much for this place anymore, that my heart is somewhere else now, that I want to leave them behind? Oh God, it hurts just thinking about it. But it is all I think of everyday. It consumes my thoughts and I can’t break from them. I can’t fill this empty hole. I don’t know if I ever will able to, but I really do hope I can. I wonder if this is what depression feels like.
I realized I don’t even know you all that much. Learning people is hard. Where do you begin? How far do you take it? How much do they care to learn you?
I wish someone would write a manual on life. But that would make it too easy wouldn’t it?
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