growing up slowly

Said puppy has been adopted. Although currently not named, she comes home tuesday. I am ecstatic. I am nervous. So this is what responsibility feels like?

I run ahead blindfolded, and I finally see what I was meant to see.

Take away these thoughts of insolent arrogance. Take away the broken pieces that currently hang off me. I don’t want to drag them along anymore. I want to fly.

I want to believe without seeing all of the time. It is getting harder as I grow older. I don’t like that so much.

I’m driven by my emotions more than I would like to admit. I realize it, and still I deny it. I don’t want to be this vulnerable thing that I really am. I don’t want them to see it, but I haven’t figured out exactly why. What is this that is driving me? This horrid pride keeps me bound.

After it all, I sigh deep and can do nothing but smile, because that is where my heart is- in a constant state of smile. Yes, even when I’m sad, it smiles back at me. When I am in my foulest of moods and don’t want it to, still it smiles back. I couldn’t stop it if I tried. I am so thankful for that.

I am reaping what I sow- a life of non-commitment. When will you dare to change?
When will you dare utter someone else’s name the way you wish they uttered yours?
When will you chance it, you coward, you fraud.

And still I spur myself forward wishing to be more than I am.

I found it... if just for this short time.

I've found it- this peace I was seeking.
My heart isn't as confused, it just is.
It is love, and I will rest in this for now.
I will discover the answers without seeking.
I will break this off of me- it is far too hindering.
So I've let it go. It is gone, and Love resides in its place- safe and warm.

Contentment washes over me, and I am pleased.

No matter what will happen I will live in this moment- this moment of feeling constant joy pile up upon itself. I am always fighting back these feelings of joy and happiness, if I let them take over I will be a useless pile of smiles and laughter. No one would be able to reach me. I would stare into space and be content with the shade of brown that occupies the surface of the walls in the room. I would smile until my cheeks hurt so much so that I would be unable to continue. So I shall keep them walled-off, just a little bit, a reservoir of contentment and joy, kept inside, but still they are there, always there, at my beck and call.
They make every situation seem “not as bad as it could have been.”
They make every disappointment “alright.”
They make every failure “next time you will do better.”
They make everything “OK.”

It will always be this way. It is this way because I rest in the knowledge that I am loved. And love is stronger than anything that I could face- abandonment, failure, inadequacies, tragedy, & disbelief. Love consumes the bad in every situation, every thing & every one. It cannot be defeated, and personally I don’t want to try to fight it. So come Love, heal our hearts, make us more than we currently are. Make us you personified.

Love, Love, Love… and it consumes me yet again.

I’ve got it good, and I know it. My life is so unbelievably filled with love. So much so that I get giddy if I start to think about it. In fact, I have to make myself stop or my heart begins to ache because its walls become stressed under the pressure of this uncontainable, forceful thing.

I love the time spent in the morning with a vanilla almond biscotto and a doppio espresso macchiato. Such simple things delight my heart, facilitate deeper thoughts. So many things I wish I could say, not necessarily to act on them (would you love me less if I did?), but to talk them out. I do better when I talk things out. These doubts, these fears, these confusing thoughts. I don’t know whom I can turn to for this one, the knowledge of this thing’s existence will change things. No action required. The words alone will betray me this time. Dovrei lasciare perderlo, ma mi sembra che sia troppo difficile questa volta.

I long for a day just like that day on the beach- a day of complete honesty and acceptance, a day of laughter and lightness of heart, a day of unrestricted love. I want everyday to be this valuable to my heart. I will love, love, love you until the world collapses in on itself, and nothing will change this. Nothing you do, or don’t do. Nothing you say or don’t say. It won’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing but this love. Let’s be vulnerable and risk losing this security blanket of fake facades. Let’s get unconditional. Isn’t that what real love is all about anyways? Mio fratello, sai che hai un grand pezzo del mio cuore per sempre?

Love, people, conversation, honesty & pensive moments = pure joy.