I wish someone would tell me what to do. I wish I would tell someone so they could tell me what to do. I know what some people would say. "You are crazy. What are you thinking? You cannot do this. You should not do this!" That is just the thing. For once I'm not thinking, I have decided to feel instead. I wish these beautiful things, these feelings, weren't so shrouded in confusion, in this feeling of bleh.
I am so close to saying the words I have practiced to myself multiple times- in front of the mirror, in my bed before I drift off to sleep. After each time the words leave my mouth, I find I sound stupid and give up all over again. A week later the cycle restarts. Vicious thing.
I have never felt this horribly torn about anything in my life. I don't know if it is possible to feel more torn. I wouldn't exist anymore; I am sure of it. I'm scarily near losing everything I am already. OH MY, I wish my mind would stop thinking! I wish my heart would stop feeling! I wish people who say they would love me no matter what would actually do it. But I'm not willing to test this. I'm not willing to lose. I'm just not.
Man, I'm lame...
No comments:
Post a Comment