And for the second time I thought this struggle had died within me. I was wrong.

I do not see clearly anymore. My heart and head have become so confused by this mental and emotional state of wonderment- wonderment in the fact that I never saw this coming. I never pictured this for myself. But now that the picture has begun to form, I do not hate it. I should. But I don’t. I am the worst of the worst, no better than the least of the least and I don’t know what to do about it.

These feelings are hell. These thoughts consume me and I cannot escape them. I don’t know what to do, whom to turn to. Surely He has already left me. His love cannot be this great can it? This small voice tells me it can’t be. My mind tells me it has to be or He would not be who He says He is. My soul tells me He still loves me. My conscience tells me I am slipping. My heart tells me this is the real deal. My heart betrays me and rages against all else. I am left to remain here in this confusion, in this doubt, unable to crawl out of this pit, unwilling to fight it wholly because I want to feel. I want to feel this way and have it reciprocated. And the possibility, though minute, has finally presented itself in a manner I never expected.

But still I remain in this agony, cause I don’t know if I am strong enough for this, if I can face this alone, if anyone will be here to help me, if anyone will truly love me through this. So I sit and I write, if only to get these thoughts out of this prison that is my mind, if only to face this situation a little more directly, if only to release this stress that has formed and is blocking my heart. I am lost I fear. I am eaten wholly by this fear. I am so afraid of this. I am so afraid of me.