Taking it for what it is.

And I have come to see such a different place, such a different mapping than I had originally sketched for this life. And set beside myself I cannot recognize what I once was. I was a bundle of fear; though it still exists to some extent, its far-reaching hand has been beaten back, driven into a deeper part of my self-conformation.
I strive to see just a little bit of me that I can recognize. Finally, I succeed. And the thing that draws this recognition is my heart that has remained unchanged. Unchanged in the best way possible. It is still soft, still willing to learn. Still willing to love at all costs. And don’t they know this love is more than the think it is?
I make plans to be unbreakable. But at what cost? Is this self-sacrifice really lending itself to fortitude, to an unbreakable thing. Or to an inescapable ignorance?
These thoughts come easier than they used to. Now I just sit and think, and the words find their way onto the page. Beneficial? Maybe, but I couldn’t say always. Some things- certain doubts, certain fears- I would very much prefer stay hidden. But now they creep out, undaunted by the fact that they could be discovered, that they could be reproached, that they could be judged. They are braver than I will ever be. If they stood materialized in front of me, I would embrace them, because I love them. I love that they are stronger than I am.
Darkness has finally settled and I have come to the conclusion that personal struggle is very difficult for me. Mainly because I refuse many people entry into my heart and therefore must deal with hardship on my own. I try to lean mostly on myself. I have been successful but I feel I am wearing down. I feel I need more from my friendships than I am currently getting. And that isn’t to say the fault is that of my friend’s. If anything I blame myself. But how do I change this? How do I revisit this thing? How do I not end up breaking myself. I guess I just have to let go.