You asked me to travel a far distance with you in order to see your current better half. I lied and said I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just wasn’t able.
I didn‘t eat much today. I felt sick to my stomach most of the day whenever I thought about those questions that I asked you, the words I should not have said. I semi-talked to you about it, because you wanted to know. I didn’t want to tell you, so I didn’t. I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I did, because I think I might have tried. But for now, I just want to sleep.
I think it will be quite a while until I figure this one out- to tell, not to tell; to hurt, not to hurt; to be rejected, to not be rejected. The question looming over my head brings unbelievable heartache. The impending result of action ensures permanent repercussions. So much for a rock and a hard place. That would have been easy. GAH.
I don’t believe like I used to, and maybe this is bad. I would say I am sorry, but I don’t know if I should. I wonder if God stops loving people? And sure they say he doesn’t, but I feel like in this case his hand may be hovering over the book of life, at the ready, prepared to cross out my name. I probably shouldn’t say such things, but this is what my head is thinking now, so I write it.
I feel unbelievably alone, with absolutely no one. Surely He never faced this hardship. So does He understand? Really, I need to meet with Him for a bit. Maybe then He will explain why this sort of thing happens. Why I am the one left in this situation, when I never asked for this? Why? God, why?
No comments:
Post a Comment