The first steps are the hardest, but then you grow used to the change and see the reward that comes from the struggle-filled effort. I have found that these words have escaped my mouth before, but before they were muffled, barely inaudible. Hard to discern in the worst way possible, because I refused to let them accurately describe the feelings in my heart. It has been a lie from the beginning, because I am scared to death to even hint at the truth. This truth that I am utterly confused but don’t plan on becoming this. That I can’t stop these dreams that follow me, nor can I stop the feeling of joy that I have when I wake up and realize that I lived out that possibility, if just for a moment; and I don’t care if it wasn’t real, because it felt real, you felt real. That happened two nights ago, but I can’t be what I wish I could be.
I love you, I miss you, and I barely even know you.
I stand at the door to my house and stare at my feet. I don’t quite wish to enter because I fear the person on the other side. I fear the person who points their finger at me raging against me, against my dreams. I fear being a pariah, feeling unaccepted, but I have finally learned to just be myself and not concern myself with the rest of all this rubbish. I believe in myself, and I am proud to admit it. Not in a haughty way, but in the sense of self-discovery in its best achievable form.
Brace yourself. This is just the beginning. This will make you who you will become.
i like who you`re becoming, too.
ReplyDeletefor the record.