Holiday Revalries and Family Matters

It seems a little silly that a small festively decorated cup can make me so happy. Goodness I'm easy!! I mean that in the best way possible. I will be carving Thanksgiving pumpkins with my sister come Sunday. I cannot wait. I wish things could remain, but I know they can't. I'm finally beginning to become ok with that. Over pumpkin coffee this morning my mom told me she would miss me and doesn't want me to go. She also said she knows that I have to. I love her. I'm so glad she is my mother. She helps soften my heart every day and I'm glad cause I need that. She told me one day that I would understand her viewpoints on family and life. She said I was far too young and didn't know what I was talking about. I want to say confidently that I do not agree but a small part knows she might be right. I think I would be ok with that too.

Force field vernacular

Kindness. Hate. Annoyance. Sympathy. Encouragement. Tearing down. Tangled feelings found in a few words. These forced sounds that sing of grievances and loss. That have the power to raise the dead things in us, to fight the unseen, to cause us to tenaciously cling to our own inability to be what by now we thought we should be. Let it go already. Just give it to Him. Musical words help me escape. They cause me to run to the places of my heart that I once thought lost and hidden for good. By now you would think I would be able to turn my own phrase to express what my heart feels. Instead I find them there. Always there. “I let it fall, my heart, and as it fell, you rose to claim it.” Thank you. My inability to express my own thoughts lay not in the words I cannot find, but in the words I throw out to shield me from having to talk about much weightier things. The hilarity and harshness of my choicest phrases protect me. I must say that I have always been afraid to admit what I so strongly consider weakness, even if my weakness seems to them strength. I am so stubborn. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Skywalker, let’s get it in gear. Time to disable the force field.

Learning patience though impatient acts

It was purely selfish, dialing the 10 digit number, area code included, with my partially wobbly, obviously nervous pointer finger. Recruiters put me in a dither. I was relieved when she answered though, and kept my cool. She kept cooler, although she must have been thrown off guard by my unexpected phone intrusion, “I’m glad you called,” she said. And I heard it in her voice, she was glad I called. My heart jumped a little.

We discussed matters regarding Peace and future meetings, unknown information, and her gratefulness for my patience. She didn’t know I was starting to wonder if anything was ever going to happen, and this is the reason I called… maybe not so patient after all. After all was said and done regarding business matters, I asked her how her day was. It seemed to be going well enough. Her voice smiles on the phone. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a meeting over a cup of coffee and ready responses to the questions brewing in my mind. Don’t worry, kid, you will find out everything, all in due time, all in due time. I steadily reassured myself as the phone call ended. I truly feel "ok" being in such good hands, His and hers.

The Peach Tea Discovery

Today I discovered a new thing. Although little and seemingly ridiculous to write about, I have discovered the joy of drinking Snapple. I never considered myself a tea person, unless it was hot and black or herbal and green with just a tiny glob of honey added. But today I decided to venture wide, jump out of my comfortable bubble of the well-known, of the already-stamped "me approved" beverage selection. Ok, Ok, I take too much credit. I’m a creature of habit, I know, so I’m really glad that 55 cent off coupon was hanging from the refrigerator doors of the Circle K, gently nudging and encouraging me to risk the .63 cents necessary to purchase it. That gentle nudging joined with my disdain for change was the final blow. I buckled, and buckling has never tasted so good. So thank you .55 cent coupon, you’ve added another joy to my life.

Restlessness: Well, this morning I decided I don’t like it very much.

It’s that feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night, the one that induces stomach pains and headaches that have no specific bodily reason for existence or seeming derivation. I didn’t eat something bad. I didn’t drink too much. They come and go as they please, and nothing helps to abate them.

Distracting helps a little, but only for so long. It isn’t the act of examination that I fear, although my palms do get sweaty and my hands shake a little. It is the underlying implication that this examination brings. It seems to me as if they are lined up, all together, each having the same expectant look on their face that says, “Let’s go kid, let’s see what you’re made of,” one thing that I fear the most. I don’t even know what I am capable of, I guess. But somehow I like resting in the unknown, because it leaves no place to reveal lack.

My goodness, I’m nearly 25. When is this going to end?!

This morning after waking up I decided, I think I am going to take a wiffle bat to life’s knees, just to see where it will get me. Because I want to know what I’m made of; I want to know where I lack. I want to make myself better. And well, you will never realize you have the remnants of this morning’s powered doughnut on your face until you decide to look in the mirror. And wouldn’t you rather discover it now rather than 10 min later on the bus when a stranger informs you of it with the universal silent gesture of the “you-have-something-on-your-face” hand swipe? Yah, me too. :)

Quando non sei qui vicino, sei ancora con me.

Quando non volgio andarci da sola , ci andrò con te.
Quando non posso vederti più, a te penserò e ci riuscirò.
Quando il buio scende, voleremo al sole portati sulle ali dell’amore.
Fuggiremo dal mondo, dalla sua tristezza,
Dall’odio della gente, da tutto che c’è di male.

Don't stay put

Goodness I see the potential
For you to become what I have not
For you to win what I have lost
For you to remember what I forgot

For every word, letter, and phone call, I thank you. It seems that thanking you is all I can do, though I hanker for the day when I can do much more. When I can see you live your dreams and help you, if you ever need it. Though I doubt it. Your will, at times, is far stronger than mine. Stubborn even, I am sure, but still soft, malleable, clay-like in its rawness.

I have blinked and the time has flown.
I have learned and have come to know
That time won’t leave us left alone
Always together though not at “home”
Or the home that used to be our own
Now given to dust-covered pillowcases
Old threads and ratty shoelaces
Half-chewed by our animal friend
Who couldn’t remain with us in the end
A sad state he left us in
and in which we will not remain.