Quando non sei qui vicino, sei ancora con me.

Quando non volgio andarci da sola , ci andrò con te.
Quando non posso vederti più, a te penserò e ci riuscirò.
Quando il buio scende, voleremo al sole portati sulle ali dell’amore.
Fuggiremo dal mondo, dalla sua tristezza,
Dall’odio della gente, da tutto che c’è di male.

Don't stay put

Goodness I see the potential
For you to become what I have not
For you to win what I have lost
For you to remember what I forgot

For every word, letter, and phone call, I thank you. It seems that thanking you is all I can do, though I hanker for the day when I can do much more. When I can see you live your dreams and help you, if you ever need it. Though I doubt it. Your will, at times, is far stronger than mine. Stubborn even, I am sure, but still soft, malleable, clay-like in its rawness.

I have blinked and the time has flown.
I have learned and have come to know
That time won’t leave us left alone
Always together though not at “home”
Or the home that used to be our own
Now given to dust-covered pillowcases
Old threads and ratty shoelaces
Half-chewed by our animal friend
Who couldn’t remain with us in the end
A sad state he left us in
and in which we will not remain.

secret cities

You found yourself wandering, no direction, no true goal in mind. You like to wander about, to see a city, to see a people. A city is more than the bricks used to build it, you are well aware. Just as you are aware that people are more than the corporeal shells that they occupy. There is something else, inside, tucked away, attempting to remain safe and away from the hurt of the world. At least that is how you feel.

But of recent you feel a little different then you did previously. You have shown your heart and it hasn’t been rejected. You have shown it and it has been loved, it has been admired, it has been accepted for just what it is, fragile. You find that the previously regularly taken emotion-control-pill that held you back is getting hard to swallow. Good, your prescription was running out anyway, and besides it costs too much.

You feel a little liberated and your heart feels lighter than usual, which seems near impossible considering it’s average level of lightness. Air weighs more you think to yourself.

Regardless, thank you friend for being one of few who occupy my daily thoughts in the quest to better myself. Thank you for being one of many that will forever have my heart.

If you ask me I’m ready.

I like very much reading your words smattered upon electronic pages. They show your heart, some of which I’ve seen before and some of which I haven’t. I like seeing the parts you haven’t shown me. They make me smile uncontrollably.

I’m taking it one step at a time and I think I’m getting better from it. If only I could see from two closed eyes, I would be much better off. I can’t seem to find the courage to open them just a bit and finally admit the thing I see when I look in the mirror that is my heart. Though fuzzy and dim-lit it represents you better than anything that you have encountered so far.


It was a funny encounter in the parking lot. You didn’t know you saw me, but you did. You saw a part you probably didn’t imagine existed, but still you didn’t see me and it makes me wonder... what is it exactly that people see when they see you. They see your height, eye color, name brand or lack thereof of the shoes that are currently protecting your feet from the dry dusty earth. But still do they see you.

Do they see your soul and how breakable it is?
Do they see all of the dreams that you have for yourself that are still just dreams, that are too big for you to even let escape from your lips because you are so afraid of failure and never being able to attain them?
Do they see the vastness of the love that you carry around in your heart pocket with you everyday?
Do they know that you just wait for the opportunity to find someone to dole it out to?

Is it too much to ask to meet someone who will say, “ I got you, if you got me. And even when you don’t got me, I still got you.”

Is it too much?

Life is beautifully different when you see it from someone else’s viewpoint.

I keep finding these people. These beautiful people who are passionate about this and that. Beautiful people who just want to tell someone what they think, what they feel, and why they are what they are. I love it when people muster up the courage to say what they really think. She told me things she hasn’t even told to her friend, she whispered to me as she pointed to one sitting next to her. I liked it. But why was she afraid of hiding?

And so this judgment comes back to haunt us in the worst way possible.

When did we get to the point that we are perfectly ok with telling strangers deeper things than we tell our friends solely because we fear what our friends will think of us? We question whether they would still accept us, whether they would still love us- just as we are, bruised and broken, with a wavering certainty that leaves us wondering more times than it leaves us convinced and sure. Aren’t friends the ones who help you through things like this? When did we get this way?

A friend once asked me who I spoke of when I said “ Ma io voglio che tu lo sai, che mi chiedi tutto quello che vuoi sapere.” My answer was not a complete lie. Yah sure I had a certain person in mind at the time, but I think it is applicable most to my friendships. I want to be able to tell my friends everything. But just like her I hide things from my friends because I fear a little. I am afraid of changing things irreparably. I am afraid I will lose them. Losing friends is like losing part of your heart; it hurts. And I don’t deal with hurt well.

This is such a hard thing to balance.

I want to find a good friend, make a mutual promise with them to be absolutely honest about everything, the things hidden deepest inside our hearts, the things we think we can tell no one about, and even the things we don’t want to be honest about. That kind of vulnerability is what I want. I am willing to put myself into a position to get effed over, if just to have one true friend that I can trust completely. I’ve always struggled with trust. I fear it may be difficult to find someone who will actually commit to do that, someone willing to love me no matter what. People don’t like being vulnerable. I know this cause I don’t either. But if we can just make this about love and not about us, it will work. I know it will.

Delightful moments with friends make life worthwhile.

Random dancing.
Uncontainable laughter.
Pure acceptance.
Love. --------------------------Just a few things that evenings with friends bring.

Goodness, I know some beautiful people. I love them and mere words will/could never do these sentiments justice. I am sure of it.
Sure, I sound cheesy, but I don’t care. How else could one explain this love? Besides cheesy has a certain appeal, right?



There are unspoken words that follow me everywhere I go. Held deep in the smallest caverns of my heart. Held only for me, so yes, I understood when you said what you said. I of all people try to hide the most. Hiding is easier, you know. But I think I am learning that sharing is much more liberating, fulfilling, hard as fucking hell. But still I go forward attempting to better myself in every way possible. Sure it will be difficult and it will come slow, if at all. But maybe this is a way I could break these shadowy doubts of untrustworthiness that have followed me all these years. It is crazy how a few big disappointments can hinder you so much. Maybe I have begun to use it as my crutch of disbelief. When will you learn to trust again? When will you learn that burns eventually heal? When will you be willing to give it all you’ve got? When?
Take a moment. Decide. I will wait for my heart to figure this out.
I will wait as long as it takes.

I should have known it would be this simple.

I think I have discovered more about myself than I ever planned to in such a short amount of time. I love to see a somewhat congruent shape form from the mass of uncertainty-filled clay that is my heart and mind.

I love to write. To write what is in my heart, to see it play out on the page, simple yet personally meaningful. I will remember so much because of this. I don’t think I do it for anyone else but me, but I would still want people to read these little experiences, thoughts, because what if it helps them get through the same situations that it has helped me with, the same doubts, fears. That alone would make me happy.

I find I often write about the same thing over and over. Love, caring for people, simple happiness, uncertainty, the desire to become something more, but they are the things that rest most on my mind. Embedded somehow in the subconscious, brought out by words and actions.

And to my perpetual letter-writing friend, you have made me better because you have shown me your heart, my heart, and what I could become.

Belief is a beautiful armor that makes for the heaviest sword...

I love time for personal introspection, especially among a crowd of clattering people or in a quieter mix of coffee shop noises and hushed chatter of small talk. There is something strangely appealing in being able to remove myself from the noise and step back from it all. To look inside and see a quiet peace that all the bustle of the world cannot touch.

I love to think about other people, how they are doing, what I would ask them if they sat across from me. I wonder if they want someone to talk with, no matter the subject big or small, hugely important or seemingly minuscule. I never tire of hearing people talk about their lives, their thoughts, their secret hopes and dreams, and their more public life goals.

I love to listen to people vent. People need that sometimes.

I love to see people smile. I smile when I see it.

I love to hear people laugh. There is just something so beautifully whole about laughter.

I don’t mind seeing people cry. I never quite know what to do in this situation, but I find for me a hug and a person willing to listen is invaluable. And once the tears stop, the words will begin and healing will come, in time.

Le lacrime puliscono l’anima. L’onestà intreccia I cuori fragili. Non c’e’ niente piu’ bello delle amicizie autentiche, durature, intime.

Just getting to know people on a deeper level brings me immense joy. I am growing tired of the superficial friendships that only generate two minute conversations on weather. I want more. I think people want more too, but they are just afraid of what others think, of judgment, of abandonment…and well, quite frankly, so am I. Yet, I am willing to put that aside this time, because I believe we can become more than this.

Late nights & insomnia = A little extra time for reflection

I think of you more than you think I do. I read the words you wrote on some random scraps of paper and felt my heart beat slowly. Your thoughts make me relax. Your heart is so pure. I breathe deep and consider your thoughts, and wish, if only, if only I could think as you do. If only I could see the world from such a beautiful point of view. I take another sip of wine, and consider change. What more could I become? The words of a newly added profile song wash over me. “Camminiamo ancora insieme. Sopra il male, sopra il bene.” And indeed I realize we walk together, still, above the bad, above the good. Our hearts have become entwined; there is no turning back this time. There is only what will become of us, and I know it is something beautiful. Love transcends all fear. My head begins to feel light, and I know it isn’t because of the wine. My heart has driven me to this place. I consider you first my friend. I consider you second my missing piece. I consider you, above all, my family, for you will likewise possess my unconditional love. I have become weary and still you push me forward with encouraging words, at times random and nonsensical. I strive to fall into the unknown, but jumping off this ledge of false security is difficult. I haven’t yet realized I am wearing a parachute, and if only I would jump, the wind would catch me. So I stand ready, with my toes pointing me towards a vast, empty space. A space filled with a new way of life, a new form of love, a new way of thinking. I have shed this old skin. I will see things clearly for the first time. I will begin new again. And to you…to you with all of my heart…thank you, friend.