Force field vernacular

Kindness. Hate. Annoyance. Sympathy. Encouragement. Tearing down. Tangled feelings found in a few words. These forced sounds that sing of grievances and loss. That have the power to raise the dead things in us, to fight the unseen, to cause us to tenaciously cling to our own inability to be what by now we thought we should be. Let it go already. Just give it to Him. Musical words help me escape. They cause me to run to the places of my heart that I once thought lost and hidden for good. By now you would think I would be able to turn my own phrase to express what my heart feels. Instead I find them there. Always there. “I let it fall, my heart, and as it fell, you rose to claim it.” Thank you. My inability to express my own thoughts lay not in the words I cannot find, but in the words I throw out to shield me from having to talk about much weightier things. The hilarity and harshness of my choicest phrases protect me. I must say that I have always been afraid to admit what I so strongly consider weakness, even if my weakness seems to them strength. I am so stubborn. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Skywalker, let’s get it in gear. Time to disable the force field.

Quando non sei qui vicino, sei ancora con me.

Quando non volgio andarci da sola , ci andrò con te.
Quando non posso vederti più, a te penserò e ci riuscirò.
Quando il buio scende, voleremo al sole portati sulle ali dell’amore.
Fuggiremo dal mondo, dalla sua tristezza,
Dall’odio della gente, da tutto che c’è di male.

Facing future thoughts with past places in mind

You slip your sunglasses on. The sun washed whiteness that fills your eyes hurts a little, but you can’t turn away. Such a beautiful sight. Beyond the limits of happen-chance until the furthest reaches of perfect planning you find yourself. You can’t go back. You can’t change it, and you wouldn’t for anything.

And though it seems that all could crash around you, that you would remain with nothing left in your hands but your five fingers balled up and tucked under your palm, you face these future thoughts with unbelievable determination. 27 months isn’t that long, you tell yourself. But you remember well that day that seemed to last eternity, dragging out, full of sorrow, full of loss. And that was only 27 hours. But this can’t be the same. It won’t be, you tell yourself. So you face it with a positive outlook, all the while wondering if the ones you love will be here when you return.

This is just one of those times where you have to jump. Jump into the unknown, into the uncertain, into the unending change- one of the only constants in your life until this point. Your heart beats fast, and still you feel peace. Unnerved, you remain calm. He is greater than you will ever have to be. He will go with you. You will be ok. It will be ok.

What do you do when you find out the end was really the END?

Life throws us some curves. I don't quite know how to take all of them sometimes. Usually I do rather well. Coping has become habitual. So many changes come and go, if I didn't cope I would lose my mind. But does coping mean I have stopped caring for all those friends that I don't see anymore, for all the memories I made, or all the love I had and still have in my heart for others?

This is a tough road to travel, this life.

I wish I were bolder.

When do you say the distance has become too far and cut ties? Do you hold on forever? Do you lose just a little bit of your heart to all of the people you love until you don't have any left to give? I feel I still have so much more to give, but so much is already gone. When does it all balance out?

I wish I could see myself as he sees me.

I wish I could relive some moments just to better remember what they felt like.

I think maybe I wish too much.