Learning patience though impatient acts

It was purely selfish, dialing the 10 digit number, area code included, with my partially wobbly, obviously nervous pointer finger. Recruiters put me in a dither. I was relieved when she answered though, and kept my cool. She kept cooler, although she must have been thrown off guard by my unexpected phone intrusion, “I’m glad you called,” she said. And I heard it in her voice, she was glad I called. My heart jumped a little.

We discussed matters regarding Peace and future meetings, unknown information, and her gratefulness for my patience. She didn’t know I was starting to wonder if anything was ever going to happen, and this is the reason I called… maybe not so patient after all. After all was said and done regarding business matters, I asked her how her day was. It seemed to be going well enough. Her voice smiles on the phone. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a meeting over a cup of coffee and ready responses to the questions brewing in my mind. Don’t worry, kid, you will find out everything, all in due time, all in due time. I steadily reassured myself as the phone call ended. I truly feel "ok" being in such good hands, His and hers.

Revisions, Revisions and the Art of Revising the Revised.

I gladly released it from my hands this morning.
In fact, I sent it away with a warm welcome,
A glimmer of hope, and a post-marked price of $2.73.

Destination known, Atlanta.
Sender, nervous aka Clammy hands.
Future unknown: nowhere, maybe?

So in the back of your mind you revise your life plan,
With fallback options including plans A, B, C, and BFE.

Oh weary soul,
When will you stop planning and re-planning for tomorrow
You are going to waste all of your time, leaving no time for now.

Facing future thoughts with past places in mind

You slip your sunglasses on. The sun washed whiteness that fills your eyes hurts a little, but you can’t turn away. Such a beautiful sight. Beyond the limits of happen-chance until the furthest reaches of perfect planning you find yourself. You can’t go back. You can’t change it, and you wouldn’t for anything.

And though it seems that all could crash around you, that you would remain with nothing left in your hands but your five fingers balled up and tucked under your palm, you face these future thoughts with unbelievable determination. 27 months isn’t that long, you tell yourself. But you remember well that day that seemed to last eternity, dragging out, full of sorrow, full of loss. And that was only 27 hours. But this can’t be the same. It won’t be, you tell yourself. So you face it with a positive outlook, all the while wondering if the ones you love will be here when you return.

This is just one of those times where you have to jump. Jump into the unknown, into the uncertain, into the unending change- one of the only constants in your life until this point. Your heart beats fast, and still you feel peace. Unnerved, you remain calm. He is greater than you will ever have to be. He will go with you. You will be ok. It will be ok.

Silent moments in foreign places

The garden was the start. Just as the flower begins underground wrapped in the warmth of the heat-filled earth, so I began, just a seedling, just a thought of all the things I could become. I've searched for years with no resolution, with all the resolve I could muster. I will find it in myself I said, but now I begin to wonder. I wonder if the seed by itself is enough. Can it grow without water, without sun, without earth? Can love grow without sustenance, passion, and work?
It’s quiet here. I like that. The trees barely rustle, the birds chip, but they leave me to my thoughts. In fact, they add to them. The nature of the thing is its nature itself unselfish, always giving, unrestrained. I seek it in earnest and find it not. Have I done wrong by it? Were my words too harsh? Will it not return to me? I said it because I like to lie to myself, to hide my need for this thing, this beautiful thing, this belonging.
But still the pebbles on the ground seem soft in comparison to my soul, hardened and calloused-over by the “reality” of the world. When will I realize the “reality” is no reality at all? When will I rebel against the traditional social norms set before me? Would he forgive me if I did?
It sounds like rain, it’s time to run and hide again.

Believe in what you once renounced. Hold tight to lost dreams and make them real again.

You have fought. You have given up. You have found yourself in this in-between, this unsure, waste-filled place. But still, giving up is not an option. Giving up happens far too often, and you are unwilling, UNWILLING to end up like they did. This thing it weighs on you, it beats your soul down, it holds your heart hostage, and you are unable to find yourself, among the disdainful, among the hateful, among the dead.

Beat fast heart, feel alive. You will only live once, you will only feel alive if you wish it into reality. Only you can make this change, only you can fight against the judgment of others and say eff them. I will be who I will be and that is what I will be, regardless.

You love and you love hard. You cry and you hide it. You will stay this way, and you will feel ashamed. Why does your heart have to be so shadowed-over, so hidden, so heartless. When will you face Him? When will you face them? When will you say what you really feel? When will you finally call him near and tell him all the things that you really want to tell him?

You doubt so many things; you believe in so many more. You hurt, you hurt, and you never tell a soul. You fool.

And as you read words you don’t understand, as you fight this battle hand-to-hand, as you see past this public demand for more than you planned to give, you discover more of yourself. You discover that you are so much weaker than you thought; you are so much stronger than you ought to be in some regards, just all the wrong ones. Stubborn soul, for some reason you can never find this balance. For some reason you will never have this solace. Wander, wander far. Never return, never descansar.

growing up slowly

Said puppy has been adopted. Although currently not named, she comes home tuesday. I am ecstatic. I am nervous. So this is what responsibility feels like?

Feeling upside down, unwilling to say what I really feel.

Unable to think, stopped at a wall, you stand motionless with the exception of the gentle tapping of your left foot on the tiled-floor in rhythm to the music that floats in your head. The same song, seven hours on repeat and you still haven’t gotten sick of it. That is a quality you really like about yourself. Other people overlook it.

Oddly enough you can’t think straight, but you write it all down anyway. Maybe one day it will make sense. Maybe one day the truth will come out. The truth you are the opposite of what you claim to be, that your heart is softer than you make it out to be, that you need someone to love you. But right now that is just not the case. They waste their words; they fall dead before they hit your ears, never to enter, never to seep down from your head into your heart.

You turn pink. He whispered something in your ear. It was far from inappropriate, but you are just that shy. His lips that close to your ear turned you inside out.


Kindly talking behind their back never was wrong; you spoke nothing but good things of them. Too bad you were too scared to say it to their faces. Maybe they would have loved you more, maybe they wouldn’t have left.

Candidly you speak. You shouldn’t, sometimes your words aren’t censored. But now it is too late, and you already let your secret out. You care more than they think you do. You care so much you cry for them when they aren’t there to see you. Your heart can’t take it for much longer. Do something.

Uncomfortable feelings of whiplash are nothing compared to finding all your playing cards in messy piles- don’t they know that you organize them every time before you put them in the box?

Fighting with your eyes closed, fighting all the while. You turn to black sheets of paper with names scribbled out in bright orange colors. Blankets of snow, reflect the sunlight and blind you, you are unable to get past this next hill. It is too steep. It is too steep.

It's you, just you.

Broken, it’s effortless- beyond the hope of recognition, beyond the scope of comprehension. You take it and it gives. You break it and it bends, and still takes shape, and still makes waste. And if all this was left up to you, you would walk away forever. You would never return. This feeling of hopeful asperation, it remains in the corner of a soul that is loved, and you don’t even have that. You can’t even see past the past. It is ever before you. Always following, reminding, tripping you up.

And if this is what you dreamed of being when you were young, then you dreamed too small.

You didn’t challenge the rules like you said you would. You didn’t make fake the towers of conceit, the lies that defeat, the place of unbroken hate.
You claim.
You claim.
You lie.
You lie.
But this has been put in place and still you aren’t sure you believe it, and still you wish you were stronger, but you are not. You are a face that sheds tears unseen, that turns away from friendship because you are too afraid to lend yourself to something that isn’t you, because you can’t be sure of keeping it whole. It depends too much on them. You can’t see past yourself, you refuse to let people help, you can’t answer all the questions or didn’t you know that? You can’t save face this time. They can see right through you. They told you last night. Instead of change, you decided to hide even further away. You will remain here in this place. And you will be forgotten, because you can’t be remembered for something you weren’t. You can’t be sheltered from all hurt, but you try your damnest. And you fight the thing that gives you life. You defeat yourself. You do it, no one else. No blaming anyone. It’s you, just you.

And well this is what we became…. An empty room with no chairs to rest on.

Monday, January 18 made me think twice.

I think it has been far too long since I last met myself. When did I get this busy? When did extraneous things become so important? Four letters and a remixed tune brought me back. And here I am again. I couldn’t find the key for the longest time, and I found I had to break in just to catch a glimpse of what I used to be.

Directionally challenged, Diminutive dysfunction, and Dynamite.

Goodness, I’m feeling a little lost about which direction to take, but at the same time I’m excited by not knowing. I think I’m just going trust Him this time. I’m not going to try to figure it all out in advance. I will let the doors that open, open, and the doors that close, I’ll lock them for my own personal safekeeping. Somehow I always try to take the route that is clearly obstructed. Why must I be so stubborn?

I’m a little scared and don’t know what to do about next semester. Italian 2? I’m doubting in my “ability.” Damn you, fear. I think I decided my classes for next semester. I think all I need to do now is get my rear in gear, bust my butt for the next semester and a half and then I’m off to Italia. Lord willing.

Be kind, my heart is much gentler than I make it out to be.

Me? Working for the CIA?
Now that’s a thought.
FLI?
Maybe one day.
In fact, that would be AWESOME! :)

It’s alright. It’s alright. It’s alright.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. And now that I am in the midst of it, it seems overwhelmingly difficult- unable to be overcome. But this lie that creeps up is just that. A lie. A misstep. A confusing concoction of unequivocal falsehood. And still I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

These thoughts are far to outreaching, untamable. I wish only to sit with a blank expression on my face until I am able to find the time to retrace this path that has evidently led to nowhere- a vast place of heartache and lost things. Lost feelings. Lost desires. Lost loves. And still I wish only to lose more. To lose these self- constructed walls that block me. Losing personal standards would be much easier. But where would that get me? Would I regret it like I think I would? Or would I see it simply as a lesson learned after all is said and done? I think I would see it as something that I have finally faced and walked through; and even if I come out battered, I would know that I did it. I walked through and I am not dead.

This sheltered mentality is suffocating me. Is this what He meant for me to do? How He meant for me to live? It is hard to think the answer would actually be yes.
Am I allowed to apologize now in advance for something I may do in the future? They say no, but still I consider it. Apparently, I am worse than they think I am. But, my God, I am only human.

This end is unforeseeable.



“A life perfect ain’t perfect if you don’t know what the struggle’s for. Falling down ain’t falling down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor. It’s called the past, cause I’m getting past and I ain’t nothing like I was before. You ought to see me now. Yes I was burned, but I’ve called it a lesson learned. Mistake overturned so I’ve called it a lesson learned. My soul has returned so I’ve called it a lesson learned. “ A.Keys.

This is too much to handle calmly.

You asked me to travel a far distance with you in order to see your current better half. I lied and said I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just wasn’t able.

I didn‘t eat much today. I felt sick to my stomach most of the day whenever I thought about those questions that I asked you, the words I should not have said. I semi-talked to you about it, because you wanted to know. I didn’t want to tell you, so I didn’t. I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I did, because I think I might have tried. But for now, I just want to sleep.

I think it will be quite a while until I figure this one out- to tell, not to tell; to hurt, not to hurt; to be rejected, to not be rejected. The question looming over my head brings unbelievable heartache. The impending result of action ensures permanent repercussions. So much for a rock and a hard place. That would have been easy. GAH.

I don’t believe like I used to, and maybe this is bad. I would say I am sorry, but I don’t know if I should. I wonder if God stops loving people? And sure they say he doesn’t, but I feel like in this case his hand may be hovering over the book of life, at the ready, prepared to cross out my name. I probably shouldn’t say such things, but this is what my head is thinking now, so I write it.

I feel unbelievably alone, with absolutely no one. Surely He never faced this hardship. So does He understand? Really, I need to meet with Him for a bit. Maybe then He will explain why this sort of thing happens. Why I am the one left in this situation, when I never asked for this? Why? God, why?

The hardest thing I'd ever do.

I am so willing to be utterly honest with you, to answer every question you will ever ask. It isn’t you I fear, it is everyone else standing within earshot of this seemingly private conversation. So let’s find a place, quiet and still, where I can say the words that my mind thinks, the feelings that my heart feels.

Basta...

Non so perche' e non volgio sentirmi cosi. Ma io penso che il mio cuore abbia deciso ed io non posso fermarlo. E' vero, io pago un prezzo per te ma non riesco a vincere oppure capire. In questo momento, la mia mente e' piena dei pensieri di te. Allora, io non posso stare in piedi, queste cose mi trascinano in terra.. proprio il contario. Un mucchio di merda su questi sentimenti. Un mucchio di merda su questi pensieri. Io devo dimenticarli oppure io perdero' tutto. Loro non potranno capirlo ma non me ne frega. D'ora in poi, questi sentimenti e pensieri sono persi per sempre. E' un amore non corrispoto, lo so. Le cose che amo di te sono nascoste dentro di me e loro rimarranno li'.Allora, Basta.
BASTA.

Oh these tricky things, these matters of the heart.

We seek reason where it doesn’t exist. Everyone that has ever felt something knows the heart tells you things your mind finds foolish. We try to find a way to fill the empty space that has crept up, that only that one person can fill, but currently they don’t. It remains vacant. The emptiness stares back at you, and you find yourself at a loss for words. Not because you don’t want to say anything- you do, but because you are afraid those words will be left unreciprocated, that things will change, that friendships will dissolve. This internal struggle is exhausting, but you can’t just leave it in limbo. You tried that. It didn’t work. It came back to haunt you, stronger still. The next time just might kill you. So now you are left in a place no better than where you started, in fact it might be worse. But still you repress and repress, and discover something about yourself. Maybe when it comes to this, you can’t be honest, a quality you claim to posses. Maybe it is better to leave this unsaid. This time, the risk is too great and frankly… I‘m unwilling.

Morning Thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night., because my mind kept racing around. My thoughts went to our conversation. I still feel a little confused, but at least I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you for that.

At the same time, I spoke just enough. Not too little, not too much. I still have things only I know. At least I can still feel like there is more of me to give. Oddly enough, I feel whole in the idea of only me being able to know myself completely. Maybe my viewpoint of this is different than others', but that is just how I see it.

I couldn't eat this morning, my stomach felt in knots. There are some decisions that I still haven't decided on. Maybe the answer will come in time, all by itself, that way I won't have to try to rationalize the feelings in my heart. It aches from this indecisiveness.

It is really hard to say that I don't know, that I want to know, but I can't. At least not right now. I guess I just haven't found myself yet. Why is it that the most meaningful decisions are the hardest?