Learning patience though impatient acts

It was purely selfish, dialing the 10 digit number, area code included, with my partially wobbly, obviously nervous pointer finger. Recruiters put me in a dither. I was relieved when she answered though, and kept my cool. She kept cooler, although she must have been thrown off guard by my unexpected phone intrusion, “I’m glad you called,” she said. And I heard it in her voice, she was glad I called. My heart jumped a little.

We discussed matters regarding Peace and future meetings, unknown information, and her gratefulness for my patience. She didn’t know I was starting to wonder if anything was ever going to happen, and this is the reason I called… maybe not so patient after all. After all was said and done regarding business matters, I asked her how her day was. It seemed to be going well enough. Her voice smiles on the phone. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a meeting over a cup of coffee and ready responses to the questions brewing in my mind. Don’t worry, kid, you will find out everything, all in due time, all in due time. I steadily reassured myself as the phone call ended. I truly feel "ok" being in such good hands, His and hers.

And well this is what we became…. An empty room with no chairs to rest on.

Monday, January 18 made me think twice.

I think it has been far too long since I last met myself. When did I get this busy? When did extraneous things become so important? Four letters and a remixed tune brought me back. And here I am again. I couldn’t find the key for the longest time, and I found I had to break in just to catch a glimpse of what I used to be.

This wayward path it winds us about; and honestly, I’m getting dizzy.

I sat on a pile of sand afraid that the small granules would somehow creep into my pants, that they would irritate me. I glanced at the sky and when I did, these meaningless thoughts left my mind. I was enamored of a sight that brought out something in me. The sight of the moon’s luminescence reflecting off the ocean’s surface made a calm rise up within me, it brought peace to a war laden, torn, and heavy heart.

I made a feeble attempt at a picture, but my eyes and my mind captured the scenery much better. How miniscule those grains of sand became as they shrank under the enormity of the star-filled sky above. They seemed nearly irrelevant in comparison to this greater thing. Sometimes I focus too much on the unimportant things in life. However, I find that I somehow get pulled back to where everything is placed into perspective. I am glad for this. Now, I see a bigger picture, a greater end; but I still very much fear failure and regret.

Living uninhibited it hard for me sometimes, I like to plan things out to know what will happen next. But I am getting better with not knowing, with going with the flow, with either having failure or success. I can’t win them all. No one can.
All I can do is try my best, 100 percent effort.
All I can do is push forward with a smile, regardless of the outcome.
All I can do it love, no matter if they love me back, no matter what they say or do, no matter if they harm my heart. Cause that is what He did/does for me.

I bent my knees and with a small amount of force lifted myself from the sand. I shoved my balled-up hand into my pocket to rest. Amongst my jingly change I felt it, the sand, quite a bit of it. I soon discovered that wasn’t the only place it had crept into, but surprisingly enough, my feelings didn’t match my forecasted sentiments. Irritation didn’t come, and I realized this small thing didn’t really matter much anymore. The importance of the matter had come and left, as fleeting as the consistent reoccurring feelings for you, which have plagued my heart this past year. But still I wish to feel them, to live with these messed up ideals, to learn from this no matter how much it might destroy me. Because even if I am destroyed, I can rebuild; and I know that it will be bigger and better than ever before, this love.
Eager anticipation is my friend.
Fear is my crutch.
Hope is my driving force.
Love is everything.
It still is, and well, it always will be.

Without you, I'm giving it away.

I have built up a wall to block you away, to fight you off. I have made it with the thickest of cement blocks and wired the top with barbed wire. Yet still you find a way around. You alone get through to me. I hate it, but not you. Never you. In fact, I adore you.

I do things I never planned if just to let you know how much you mean to me. All you have to do is ask and I will be there, you know. Maybe now you have begun to see it. Maybe now I will find the courage I am so desperately lacking. Maybes never mean much do they? Because maybe I will stay here in this unexplainable state, afraid of your reaction, afraid of my future action, afraid of missing this opportunity, afraid of being judged for this, afraid of being afraid. Or maybe I won’t. The possibilities of the “maybe” are far too many to wade through and discern with ease. So I struggle. Oh where will I begin? When will this end? When will this heart cease to feel this way? When will it finally feel more?

This sucks ass.

“By the way you brought me here, it makes me believe the best is still yet to come
and I don't want to leave. Forgive my hesitation- oh, but I'm learning to trust in you.You've introduced me to the moment, oh but I'm looking to stay for good. If you'd be honest and say what you mean you know I would promise I'd do anything. I know there's a reason. I'm in this too deep and I'm sure that without you, I'm giving it away.”

I don’t know which road to take, so I won’t take either. I will sit here on the side of the road and wait...

...wait for something beautiful.

I don't believe in these vague possibilites, but I am not going to try to change you or myself. I am going to love you just as you are, and nothing will change that. Nothing can change that. The force of the impossibility of the thing is greater than anything else that could posses my heart. This love does not waiver. It is not dependent on you. It is not dependent on me. It alone survives through the storms that beat us down. Through the times full of hate, pain, regret, distraction, empty words & broken promises. It alone holds us up when we grow weak. When we find ourselves directionally challenged. It alone turns us into something great. Something we never thought we would become- an essential part of someone’s heart, someone's soul.

I miss you when you aren’t here. When you aren’t next to me. When you are far enough that your voice cannot successfully travel the distance to reach my ears. When I can’t feel your hand in mine. When I can’t put my ear to your chest to feel your heart beating, slow and rhythmic. When I can’t see your smile- it brightens my life. When I can’t hear your laughter- it lightens my mood, makes my heart glad.

I dream of you sometimes. I remember once I sat across from you at a coffee shop. We spoke of life. You told me your secrets and I told you mine. We laughed till it hurt. Your foot touched mine under the table. I didn’t mind. And as we stood from the table you reached for my hand, but before my fingers could entwine themselves with yours I was roused by the incessant beeping of my alarm clock. I shut it off and went back to sleep. Lucky for me, my dream waited. And as your hand held mine, as we walked slowly, as we shared our hearts, I missed my 9:30am class. I didn’t mind.

And still you have no face. And still my heart seeks you. And still I go on.

Taking back nothing, because I never was willing to give it.

And what is it now… rubble, a pile of crushed things, these feelings. These thoughts are far too random to comprehend even for me. I am unsure exactly which road I am to follow. Choosing the left one forever changes everything, choosing the right one leaves me to wonder, leaves my heart to ache. And I don’t know what to do. So I listen to Tisbury Lane and pray for a miracle. I think I will lock myself away, or personally discover the damage liquid courage brings. What would be said? What would be thought? Who would stay with me after this? Supposedly those who say they love me. But people do crazy things, and I know it. And this is making me unwilling to go after that one thing that haunts my mind constantly. Everywhere I go I think to myself… wouldn’t it be better if you were here? You constantly occupy my thoughts, STOP! Wouldn’t it be the best thing ever if I could be vulnerably honest, if just this once. I have sat on this bench too long. Now, I am willing to lose the game, burning to the ground in a pile of failure, if just to feel. Just once, damn it!

I win. I lose. I lose again. I lose still, but I go on.

I have grown tired. Maybe I am looking for something I can’t find. Maybe I am looking for someone who will be to me what I try to be to others. I am exhausted with holding myself up. I want someone else to help me, if only occasionally. I have those people I can turn to, dear friendships that have been formed over time. They encourage me, but their number is few, and they are far from me. I have friends from years past that I now feel I may need to cut ties with, if only for the sake of my sanity. I love them. I do, but they don’t care for anyone. There is no respect, there is only this selfishness and it is tearing me down. I wish people would grow up. I wish people would actually love other people, and not just whom they choose and when they choose to do so. I need consistency. I need relief. I am tired. I am a little distraught. I feel I am the one who might lose in all this. I don’t like it, but I can’t be what I am not. I don’t know what to do, but lose.

I want to tell her what I think of this whole situation, but I fear she will not listen. I fear things that are guised as feelings blind her. Doesn’t she know she deserves more than what he is giving her? Doesn’t she know she is valuable? Doesn’t she realize her worth? I am tired of people not realizing their worth. Instead they settle. Why?
I don’t understand this.
I can’t understand this.
I won’t accept this for myself.

Hold on this will hurt more than anything has before, but it was what it was, what it is. I have grown tired, but somewhere I will find the strength to continue to love, to continue to be the bigger person, to continue to find hope in even the worst situations, to believe people can become more. So take it all away. I don’t feel it anymore.
My heart has these scars, but there is still beauty in past pain.
My mind has these doubts, but there is still hope in uncertainty. My soul has these unfilled longings, but there is still value in loss.