It’s alright. It’s alright. It’s alright.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. And now that I am in the midst of it, it seems overwhelmingly difficult- unable to be overcome. But this lie that creeps up is just that. A lie. A misstep. A confusing concoction of unequivocal falsehood. And still I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

These thoughts are far to outreaching, untamable. I wish only to sit with a blank expression on my face until I am able to find the time to retrace this path that has evidently led to nowhere- a vast place of heartache and lost things. Lost feelings. Lost desires. Lost loves. And still I wish only to lose more. To lose these self- constructed walls that block me. Losing personal standards would be much easier. But where would that get me? Would I regret it like I think I would? Or would I see it simply as a lesson learned after all is said and done? I think I would see it as something that I have finally faced and walked through; and even if I come out battered, I would know that I did it. I walked through and I am not dead.

This sheltered mentality is suffocating me. Is this what He meant for me to do? How He meant for me to live? It is hard to think the answer would actually be yes.
Am I allowed to apologize now in advance for something I may do in the future? They say no, but still I consider it. Apparently, I am worse than they think I am. But, my God, I am only human.

This end is unforeseeable.



“A life perfect ain’t perfect if you don’t know what the struggle’s for. Falling down ain’t falling down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor. It’s called the past, cause I’m getting past and I ain’t nothing like I was before. You ought to see me now. Yes I was burned, but I’ve called it a lesson learned. Mistake overturned so I’ve called it a lesson learned. My soul has returned so I’ve called it a lesson learned. “ A.Keys.

And I saw a bit of myself in a hazy imagination

Fault-filled failures follow me everywhere. Yet still I live in this acceptance. This love that is unconfined. This love that heals the blind hearts of men and makes them more than they are. It is gradually becoming more difficult to turn my thoughts from this ideal. But it is not a bad thing. Beneficial and balanced I say. Upside-down and uncontrolled they say. Yet their words do not phase me. I am undaunted by this simple task. It is so easy. And still I may be wrong. I may live incorrect but this is the manner in which my heart drives me. The end result which will build up and not tear down. Where are your accusers He said. They are not here, and neither do I condemn you. So what has this become this view of judgmental arrogance. This pointing of pointer fingers and heavy sighs accompanied my gentle downward-facing shakes of the head. Who am I to say anything? Just as they dropped their stones one by one and left, so I leave. Knowing that I can only seek inside myself to be aware of my own faults. Why seek the mistakes of others? To feel better about myself? There is no need. I feel better about myself resting in the knowledge of who I am, who I am becoming, and whom I belong to. My mind is still struggling a bit, but I would dare say that He is all I need. That He is who I wish to become. Not a judgmental thing, but Love, a Love so wholly embodied, personified and life-giving. This is what I want to be. This is who I will continue to become.

And quite frankly, I will never know why.

I fell into a river muddied with dirt and caught my reflection staring back at me from the small pool confined in the palms of my dirt-smattered hands. Sadly, the murky water was cleaner than I was. And I am this sinful thing, but still He redeems me.

Take it slow. These things needn’t be rushed. Time will reveal the unseen. Love alone will heal this broken heart, because, honestly, nothing else can.

I found it... if just for this short time.

I've found it- this peace I was seeking.
My heart isn't as confused, it just is.
It is love, and I will rest in this for now.
I will discover the answers without seeking.
I will break this off of me- it is far too hindering.
So I've let it go. It is gone, and Love resides in its place- safe and warm.

This is too much to handle calmly.

You asked me to travel a far distance with you in order to see your current better half. I lied and said I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just wasn’t able.

I didn‘t eat much today. I felt sick to my stomach most of the day whenever I thought about those questions that I asked you, the words I should not have said. I semi-talked to you about it, because you wanted to know. I didn’t want to tell you, so I didn’t. I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I did, because I think I might have tried. But for now, I just want to sleep.

I think it will be quite a while until I figure this one out- to tell, not to tell; to hurt, not to hurt; to be rejected, to not be rejected. The question looming over my head brings unbelievable heartache. The impending result of action ensures permanent repercussions. So much for a rock and a hard place. That would have been easy. GAH.

I don’t believe like I used to, and maybe this is bad. I would say I am sorry, but I don’t know if I should. I wonder if God stops loving people? And sure they say he doesn’t, but I feel like in this case his hand may be hovering over the book of life, at the ready, prepared to cross out my name. I probably shouldn’t say such things, but this is what my head is thinking now, so I write it.

I feel unbelievably alone, with absolutely no one. Surely He never faced this hardship. So does He understand? Really, I need to meet with Him for a bit. Maybe then He will explain why this sort of thing happens. Why I am the one left in this situation, when I never asked for this? Why? God, why?

I'm the one that loses.

I want my chance. I want to give this thing a shot.

But no matter what I do, I'm the one that loses.

I break my heart so I don't break theirs. It's not fair. It hurts.