I thought I thoroughly customized my request for a new pair of shoes and a level of maturity that I cannot currently attain of my own volition.

Watch them. They are so easily pleased, so horribly content in normalcy, and so often unaware of your watchful gaze. And I am just an aunt. I wonder how my brother feels. His heart must be exploding. I wonder exactly what age is the age of realization, when you can look in your parent’s eyes and tell them thanks for all they did and thanks for all they still do. When you realize even 1/4th of their love for you is really all you need, but still they give you more. They give you all they have. I don’t know if I can be as giving as my parents are. I don’t know if I can overcome me (I’m a little stubborn at times). But I’ll tell you a little secret if you really want to know. One day, I hope to win.

I say that but I don’t know if I really mean it, or if I really even know what I mean, or if I am temporarily blinded by semi-enthusiastic love. I don’t even know if it matters much, if this continual ever-changing pattern of wind will ever find itself forcefully blowing me in a permanent direction. Right now, I guess it doesn’t really matter much, because the ending is the only carrier of prominent weight. Too bad my view is just fuzzy enough to hinder foresight. Poop.

I thought I saw a puppy in the clouds today. He was running, much like me. Fleeing should be the word that I use, only because of its connotation. I feel I am fleeing more than facing this situation, but I don’t know if my own decision will come back to haunt me, to chase me into the older years of my life, to see me standing looking in the mirror with only one reflection. No companion. No other. No nothing.

Still I am utterly content. I am unbelievably happy. I am unwavering in becoming this love. In finding more than the tip of my finger in someone’s face. In finding someone else’s fingertip hovering inches from my nose. I hope she understood exactly what I meant to say when I described this alternate viewpoint. I hope she just accepts it as it is instead of trying to justify it or try to pick it apart. Isn’t that what we so often do with His love when we should just be simply accepting it. Goodness, why do we complicate these simple things?

I am addicted and I am not afraid to admit it. Yes, indeed I am counting down to 9-29-09. I think about it everyday. Yep, I just admitted the depth of this obsession. I love to admit personal lameness. Somehow it is funny to me. I laugh at myself. Sometimes I call myself names. But I know I can take it. It is just my form of personal motivation.

I have always been told, by myself mind you, that I have somewhat of an addictive personality. I also have discovered that I am a habit former. I like routine. It is relaxing. It is organized. It pushes me to become more dedicated. And if anything it makes my spontaneity a little bit more, well spontaneous. And festive. And fun. And crazy. And fill-in-the-blank. Pretty much a lot of different things.

When I break, I break. I think it is true when it comes to trust. Maybe not relationships so much, I am not too well versed in that ball of complicatedness. Honestly, I think people make it more complicated than it really is. Love isn’t complicated, it is easy. Dying to self is what trips people up really. Love isn’t selfish in the least. I guess maybe I should try to apply that line of thought to trust. Wouldn’t I become better from it? I think I would. Damn you fear! You keep me from something beautiful, from something wholly beneficial. Maybe one day when I break, I will break big time, but I am willing to risk it if I could just find someone else who wants to put all their chips in. Cause that’s the only way I am going to play this love game.

Thoughts Untamed

And I fell once into an open plain.
And I found myself unmoving, insane.
Be still these thoughts that break from the mundane.
They make me wonder if I can stand this same old same.
This over repetition of the unmasked blame.
Of the self proclaiming stares of unmasked shame.

I belittled the thought for a moment.
Sought closure, but never owned it.
Derived from hints and shown bits
The truth of this annulment.
And still I avoid it.
And now I am void of it.

In these moments that stand still
I can see my heart transparently ill
Seeking something more than this false will
That drives me forward unfilled
And takes this whole of a heart unskilled
And brings it back to life, unkilled.

Now I sit and I write.
Filled with undying spite.
Looking to chase the darken night
Away with manufactured light.
Replacing that, which I cannot find anymore.
It hides its face in this horrible blur
And still I am this question-filled cur.
Indecisive, never established, always unsure.

Growing up was easy. Growing out of my comfort zone is becoming really difficult.

Tomorrow school starts.
One word description: Daunting
How I feel: Afraid
What I want to do: Run away
What I will do: Face it, make mistakes, grow, become what I've always wanted to be, and love every second of it.

Sometimes you have to come face to face with your fears.
Good thing I've been keeping my pimp hand strong. :)

I run ahead blindfolded, and I finally see what I was meant to see.

Take away these thoughts of insolent arrogance. Take away the broken pieces that currently hang off me. I don’t want to drag them along anymore. I want to fly.

I want to believe without seeing all of the time. It is getting harder as I grow older. I don’t like that so much.

I’m driven by my emotions more than I would like to admit. I realize it, and still I deny it. I don’t want to be this vulnerable thing that I really am. I don’t want them to see it, but I haven’t figured out exactly why. What is this that is driving me? This horrid pride keeps me bound.

After it all, I sigh deep and can do nothing but smile, because that is where my heart is- in a constant state of smile. Yes, even when I’m sad, it smiles back at me. When I am in my foulest of moods and don’t want it to, still it smiles back. I couldn’t stop it if I tried. I am so thankful for that.

I am reaping what I sow- a life of non-commitment. When will you dare to change?
When will you dare utter someone else’s name the way you wish they uttered yours?
When will you chance it, you coward, you fraud.

And still I spur myself forward wishing to be more than I am.

Taking it for what it is.

And I have come to see such a different place, such a different mapping than I had originally sketched for this life. And set beside myself I cannot recognize what I once was. I was a bundle of fear; though it still exists to some extent, its far-reaching hand has been beaten back, driven into a deeper part of my self-conformation.
I strive to see just a little bit of me that I can recognize. Finally, I succeed. And the thing that draws this recognition is my heart that has remained unchanged. Unchanged in the best way possible. It is still soft, still willing to learn. Still willing to love at all costs. And don’t they know this love is more than the think it is?
I make plans to be unbreakable. But at what cost? Is this self-sacrifice really lending itself to fortitude, to an unbreakable thing. Or to an inescapable ignorance?
These thoughts come easier than they used to. Now I just sit and think, and the words find their way onto the page. Beneficial? Maybe, but I couldn’t say always. Some things- certain doubts, certain fears- I would very much prefer stay hidden. But now they creep out, undaunted by the fact that they could be discovered, that they could be reproached, that they could be judged. They are braver than I will ever be. If they stood materialized in front of me, I would embrace them, because I love them. I love that they are stronger than I am.
Darkness has finally settled and I have come to the conclusion that personal struggle is very difficult for me. Mainly because I refuse many people entry into my heart and therefore must deal with hardship on my own. I try to lean mostly on myself. I have been successful but I feel I am wearing down. I feel I need more from my friendships than I am currently getting. And that isn’t to say the fault is that of my friend’s. If anything I blame myself. But how do I change this? How do I revisit this thing? How do I not end up breaking myself. I guess I just have to let go.

It’s alright. It’s alright. It’s alright.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. And now that I am in the midst of it, it seems overwhelmingly difficult- unable to be overcome. But this lie that creeps up is just that. A lie. A misstep. A confusing concoction of unequivocal falsehood. And still I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

These thoughts are far to outreaching, untamable. I wish only to sit with a blank expression on my face until I am able to find the time to retrace this path that has evidently led to nowhere- a vast place of heartache and lost things. Lost feelings. Lost desires. Lost loves. And still I wish only to lose more. To lose these self- constructed walls that block me. Losing personal standards would be much easier. But where would that get me? Would I regret it like I think I would? Or would I see it simply as a lesson learned after all is said and done? I think I would see it as something that I have finally faced and walked through; and even if I come out battered, I would know that I did it. I walked through and I am not dead.

This sheltered mentality is suffocating me. Is this what He meant for me to do? How He meant for me to live? It is hard to think the answer would actually be yes.
Am I allowed to apologize now in advance for something I may do in the future? They say no, but still I consider it. Apparently, I am worse than they think I am. But, my God, I am only human.

This end is unforeseeable.



“A life perfect ain’t perfect if you don’t know what the struggle’s for. Falling down ain’t falling down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor. It’s called the past, cause I’m getting past and I ain’t nothing like I was before. You ought to see me now. Yes I was burned, but I’ve called it a lesson learned. Mistake overturned so I’ve called it a lesson learned. My soul has returned so I’ve called it a lesson learned. “ A.Keys.

And I saw a bit of myself in a hazy imagination

Fault-filled failures follow me everywhere. Yet still I live in this acceptance. This love that is unconfined. This love that heals the blind hearts of men and makes them more than they are. It is gradually becoming more difficult to turn my thoughts from this ideal. But it is not a bad thing. Beneficial and balanced I say. Upside-down and uncontrolled they say. Yet their words do not phase me. I am undaunted by this simple task. It is so easy. And still I may be wrong. I may live incorrect but this is the manner in which my heart drives me. The end result which will build up and not tear down. Where are your accusers He said. They are not here, and neither do I condemn you. So what has this become this view of judgmental arrogance. This pointing of pointer fingers and heavy sighs accompanied my gentle downward-facing shakes of the head. Who am I to say anything? Just as they dropped their stones one by one and left, so I leave. Knowing that I can only seek inside myself to be aware of my own faults. Why seek the mistakes of others? To feel better about myself? There is no need. I feel better about myself resting in the knowledge of who I am, who I am becoming, and whom I belong to. My mind is still struggling a bit, but I would dare say that He is all I need. That He is who I wish to become. Not a judgmental thing, but Love, a Love so wholly embodied, personified and life-giving. This is what I want to be. This is who I will continue to become.