Holiday Revalries and Family Matters

It seems a little silly that a small festively decorated cup can make me so happy. Goodness I'm easy!! I mean that in the best way possible. I will be carving Thanksgiving pumpkins with my sister come Sunday. I cannot wait. I wish things could remain, but I know they can't. I'm finally beginning to become ok with that. Over pumpkin coffee this morning my mom told me she would miss me and doesn't want me to go. She also said she knows that I have to. I love her. I'm so glad she is my mother. She helps soften my heart every day and I'm glad cause I need that. She told me one day that I would understand her viewpoints on family and life. She said I was far too young and didn't know what I was talking about. I want to say confidently that I do not agree but a small part knows she might be right. I think I would be ok with that too.

Force field vernacular

Kindness. Hate. Annoyance. Sympathy. Encouragement. Tearing down. Tangled feelings found in a few words. These forced sounds that sing of grievances and loss. That have the power to raise the dead things in us, to fight the unseen, to cause us to tenaciously cling to our own inability to be what by now we thought we should be. Let it go already. Just give it to Him. Musical words help me escape. They cause me to run to the places of my heart that I once thought lost and hidden for good. By now you would think I would be able to turn my own phrase to express what my heart feels. Instead I find them there. Always there. “I let it fall, my heart, and as it fell, you rose to claim it.” Thank you. My inability to express my own thoughts lay not in the words I cannot find, but in the words I throw out to shield me from having to talk about much weightier things. The hilarity and harshness of my choicest phrases protect me. I must say that I have always been afraid to admit what I so strongly consider weakness, even if my weakness seems to them strength. I am so stubborn. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Skywalker, let’s get it in gear. Time to disable the force field.